Howard Stern Organizes Women's Health Symposium

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Vol 36 Issue 39

Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory

LAUREL, DE– During a campaign stop Monday, Republican U.S. Senate candidate and former Delaware attorney general Don Stenberg expressed great pleasure to be at a chair factory. "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be with the fine men and women of the Laurel Chair Works on this beautiful day," Stenberg told the crowd of 200 employees, donning a Laurel Chair Works baseball hat given to him by factory owner Darrell Widcock. "Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in Congress." Earlier in the day, Stenberg was overjoyed to be at an elementary school, a mall, a senior-citizen community center, and an Episcopalian Church.

Awful Show A Repeat Again

PRESCOTT, AZ– According to local TV viewer Randy Bolz, Monday's episode of the "absolutely awful" CBS show The King Of Queens was a repeat yet again. "King Of Queens is bad enough when it's a new episode," Bolz said, "but this is the third time I've seen that stupid one where Doug buys the really expensive car against Carrie's wishes, then his company goes on strike. Even if I actually did like this show, I certainly wouldn't after seeing the same damn episode three times in less than a year. Christ."

No Clear Winner In Feces-Throwing Conflict

TABORA, TANZANIA– After several hours of fierce feces-slinging from both sides, no clear winner emerged Tuesday in the conflict between Tabora-area male silverback gorillas Lugo and Kamala. "While Lugo looked strong early on, heaving large quantities of his own dung at his opponent, Kamala came back with an equally impressive volley of his own," primatologist Dr. Donald Schayes said. "We might not have a clear handle on the outcome until mating season." The animals have tentatively scheduled an additional series of fecal flings over the next three weeks.

You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods

NORTHFIELD, IL– In the company's latest acquisition, Kraft Foods announced Monday that it has gained a controlling interest in you for an estimated $11,000, nearly 20 percent less than the amount forecast by Forbes Magazine market analysts earlier this year. "We are pleased to bring you under the umbrella of fine Kraft products and individuals," Kraft CEO Bob Eckert said. "After some retooling and repackaging, expect to be on store shelves sometime in early spring."

Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes

MILFORD, CT– Moments before dying, car-accident victim and hardcore Star Trek fan Glenn Schaefer saw Captain James T. Kirk's life flash before his eyes. "It's all coming back to me," said Schaefer, bleeding profusely and fading from massive head trauma. "The Salt Vampires of M-113, assisting Spock through the Pon Farr, outmaneuvering Khan Singh in the Mutara Nebula, the dilithium mines of Rura Penthe. I'm even seeing portions of the animated series and the Lost Years novels." Before taking his final breath, Schaefer turned to attending medical personnel and said, "It was... fun."

The XFL

Last weekend, the inaugural player draft was held for the XFL, the new World Wrestling Federation-backed pro-football league. What are some of the league's features?

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot

I usually enjoy Entertainment Weekly a great deal, devouring everything from Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet to the Gimme Shelter profiles of on-the-market celebrity homes to the always cheeky CyberDigest column. And, as a rule, I trust the magazine's reviews, confident that if Ken Tucker says the new CBS show The Fugitive is an A-minus, it's an A-minus. I must, however, take strong issue with the C-plus grade for the DVD release of The Patriot.
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Howard Stern Organizes Women's Health Symposium

NEW YORK–Citing his "responsibility as a public figure to the betterment of the community" and his "longstanding commitment to issues of concern to women," talk-radio personality Howard Stern announced Tuesday the First Annual Howard Stern Women's Health Symposium.

Howard Stern at the kick-off to the First Annual Howard Stern Women's Health Symposium.

A free community event to be held over the next five days in Central Park, the symposium will feature more than 30 women's-health-related lectures and workshops, including "Maximizing The Female Ejaculation," "Six Safe Ways To Wax The Bikini Area: A Demonstration," "Combating Small-Breast Syndrome (SBS)," and "Lesbians: Miracles Of Nature." The symposium will conclude Sunday with an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for largest group mammogram.

"Today's woman faces a multitude of specialized health concerns that may go ignored if awareness is not raised. Like, for example, she could get a real bad yeast infection," said Stern, broadcasting live from the event. "Believe me, I oughta know, because I saw plenty of them on [estranged-wife] Alison, and they can get real nasty. Isn't that right, Robin?"

Upon receiving acknowledgement from on-air partner Robin Quivers that this was, in fact, true, Stern added: "Robin's probably never had one herself, because she's got class. She knows how to wash down there. But some of these chicks out there, we're talking cottage-cheese discharge, the works."

Day one of the symposium, Stern said, will feature a number of events of interest to women. These include Stern's keynote speech, "Implants: Silicone Or Saline?"; free breast-cancer screenings by Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf; complimentary testing of women's buttocks for lunch-meat adhesiveness; and a special roundtable discussion of issues facing uninsured women of color, presided over by Wack Pack members Big Black, Angry Black, and King Of All Blacks.

"This is racist!" Angry Black told reporters. "Black women can't get no insurance in the white man's world!" He then lapsed into a string of profanities.

Stern demonstrates the proper procedure for a monthly breast self examination.

Subsequent events include free body appraisals by Stern's friend Ralph Cirella and Gary The Retard, as well as a Shaving Cream Battle Royale illustrating the importance of proper lubrication in pubic-hair removal. Stern will himself quiz three Penthouse centerfolds on reproductive-health issues.

"A lot of women don't know that a diet rich in folic acid is essential during pregnancy," Stern said. "Also, we're going to have a gal on who has huge labia. Huge. I mean they hang off her like drapes."

On Friday, activities will focus on cosmetic surgery, culminating with a panel discussion mediated by Stern, porn star Houston, and Howard Stern Show head writer Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling.

"Guy tells his wife, 'Honey, you got some saggy goddamn breasts,'" Martling said. "She says, 'Don't complain, it's cheaper than plastic surgery, 'cause at least they drag some of the wrinkles out of my fuckin' face!'"

Stern stressed that the event is a non-profit public-health initiative. "As we learn how to better meet the needs of the public, our event should only continue to get better in the coming years," Stern told New York Times reporter Samantha Matheson. "You know, for a woman in your 30s, you're not half bad. Turn around. Yeah, you've got a nice little ass on you, honey."

Added Stern: "God, I'd love to bang you."

Pausing a moment to transfer Matheson to his lap, Stern continued: "We hope in time to establish the Howard Stern Women's Health Foundation as the nation's leading organ of women's health awareness." Upon hearing Stern use the word "organ," longtime sound-effects man Fred Norris activated a pre-recorded comic "sproing" sound.

Stern explained that his creation of the symposium was largely motivated by his recent divorce.

"Alison was a hell of a gal, and sometimes I think that if I'd been more knowledgeable about and attentive to her various female-specific problems–of which there were, Christ, maybe 10 million?–perhaps we could have worked it out," Stern said. "Plus, I'm dating again, and there'll be a lot of broads there with huge cans."

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