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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer

A customer tries not using his new non-computer.
A customer tries not using his new non-computer.

PALO ALTO, CA—Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a fully unusable device specially designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer.

CEO Léo Apotheker told reporters the non-computer was a long-overdue innovation that would finally allow consumers with zero interest in computers to enjoy all the benefits of not having one.

"For too long, manufacturers have catered exclusively to people expressing at least minimal interest in what a computer has to offer," Apotheker said during a press conference. "Meanwhile, there's an untapped group of consumers out there who've been telling us for years, 'Hey, no thanks. Computers aren't really for me.' Well, as of today, someone's finally listening."

"If you've never wanted a computer, this is the product you've been waiting for," Apotheker added.

The non-computer, with its total lack of any software, keyboard, monitor, memory, or internal circuitry whatsoever, was constructed to free users from the computing functions that have historically turned off people who don't like using computers. Expected to retail for $4.99, the non-computer, Apotheker said, is the ideal machine for anyone who can't imagine typing, surfing the web, or sending an e-mail.

Apotheker later noted that the whole non-computer, including all non-peripherals, weighs less than a pound, and that because it doesn't need a power source to charge the battery it doesn't have, the device is ex≠tremely portable.

"It doesn't matter if you're in a coffee shop, on a plane, or camping in the middle of the woods," Apotheker said. "The non-computer's inability to even switch on, let alone pick up a Wi-Fi signal, means you'll be able to not use a computer wherever you are. It's that easy."

"Best of all, you never have to worry about breaking it," Apotheker continued. "There's no data to lose or delicate parts to worry about. A non-computer works just as well smashed up into 50 pieces as it does right out of the box."

Mike Fieler, a writer for the technology blog Gizmodo who acquired an advance prototype of the non-computer, said the device could be hugely successful, especially among those who have never been in the market to buy a computer, don't know or care how computers work, totally avoid computers in every area of their lives, and may in fact be irritated by the very sound of the word "computer."

"Personally, I like actual computers as opposed to things that are not computers," Fieler said. "But if I weren't a computer user, this is just the kind of non-performing product I'd get, no question."

With its low price and utter absence of features, the non-computer may prove irresistible even to the most reluctant consumers, some of whom told reporters they were intrigued by the new product, but still skeptical that the non-computer could deliver on its promise not to compute.

"I guess I'm a little worried that I'll get it home and it'll light up or process data or do something else I don't want," Philadelphia resident Stephanie Palmenteri said. "All I need is a thing that will go on my desk and leave a clean rectangular spot on the wood when I move it every now and then."

"In the commercial, they showed a man watching television while his non-computer sat untouched on the coffee table in front of him," Aaron Mitchell, 42, said. "Pretty cool."

The non-computer may be purchased through HP's website, www.hp.com.

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