HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer

A customer tries not using his new non-computer.
A customer tries not using his new non-computer.

PALO ALTO, CA—Hewlett-Packard announced Friday the release of the first-ever non-computer, a fully unusable device specially designed to address the demands of individuals who have absolutely no need to own a computer.

CEO Léo Apotheker told reporters the non-computer was a long-overdue innovation that would finally allow consumers with zero interest in computers to enjoy all the benefits of not having one.

"For too long, manufacturers have catered exclusively to people expressing at least minimal interest in what a computer has to offer," Apotheker said during a press conference. "Meanwhile, there's an untapped group of consumers out there who've been telling us for years, 'Hey, no thanks. Computers aren't really for me.' Well, as of today, someone's finally listening."

"If you've never wanted a computer, this is the product you've been waiting for," Apotheker added.

The non-computer, with its total lack of any software, keyboard, monitor, memory, or internal circuitry whatsoever, was constructed to free users from the computing functions that have historically turned off people who don't like using computers. Expected to retail for $4.99, the non-computer, Apotheker said, is the ideal machine for anyone who can't imagine typing, surfing the web, or sending an e-mail.

Apotheker later noted that the whole non-computer, including all non-peripherals, weighs less than a pound, and that because it doesn't need a power source to charge the battery it doesn't have, the device is ex≠tremely portable.

"It doesn't matter if you're in a coffee shop, on a plane, or camping in the middle of the woods," Apotheker said. "The non-computer's inability to even switch on, let alone pick up a Wi-Fi signal, means you'll be able to not use a computer wherever you are. It's that easy."

"Best of all, you never have to worry about breaking it," Apotheker continued. "There's no data to lose or delicate parts to worry about. A non-computer works just as well smashed up into 50 pieces as it does right out of the box."

Mike Fieler, a writer for the technology blog Gizmodo who acquired an advance prototype of the non-computer, said the device could be hugely successful, especially among those who have never been in the market to buy a computer, don't know or care how computers work, totally avoid computers in every area of their lives, and may in fact be irritated by the very sound of the word "computer."

"Personally, I like actual computers as opposed to things that are not computers," Fieler said. "But if I weren't a computer user, this is just the kind of non-performing product I'd get, no question."

With its low price and utter absence of features, the non-computer may prove irresistible even to the most reluctant consumers, some of whom told reporters they were intrigued by the new product, but still skeptical that the non-computer could deliver on its promise not to compute.

"I guess I'm a little worried that I'll get it home and it'll light up or process data or do something else I don't want," Philadelphia resident Stephanie Palmenteri said. "All I need is a thing that will go on my desk and leave a clean rectangular spot on the wood when I move it every now and then."

"In the commercial, they showed a man watching television while his non-computer sat untouched on the coffee table in front of him," Aaron Mitchell, 42, said. "Pretty cool."

The non-computer may be purchased through HP's website,


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close