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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related

DECKERVILLE, MI—In an effort to ensure employees stay focused during business hours, Paragon Media human resources director Patty Clemence sent a company-wide email Tuesday reiterating that any crying done at the office must be work-related, sources confirmed. “All personal crying, such as that stemming from household finances or fights with your spouse, should either be taken care of before you arrive at work in the morning or be put off until after 5 p.m.,” said Clemence, asking that workers limit openly weeping at their desk or in a bathroom stall to job-oriented topics such as benefits, their workload, or a lack of appreciation among colleagues. “Of course, there are some exceptions to these guidelines. For example, if you happen to be crying because work has prevented you from seeing your family this week, that’s a gray area, and you might want to clear it with a supervisor before breaking down completely.” Clemence added that anyone with additional concerns about this rule should feel free to come to her and quietly bawl in her office.

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