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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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HR Director Reminds Employees That Any Crying Done At Office Must Be Work-Related

DECKERVILLE, MI—In an effort to ensure employees stay focused during business hours, Paragon Media human resources director Patty Clemence sent a company-wide email Tuesday reiterating that any crying done at the office must be work-related, sources confirmed. “All personal crying, such as that stemming from household finances or fights with your spouse, should either be taken care of before you arrive at work in the morning or be put off until after 5 p.m.,” said Clemence, asking that workers limit openly weeping at their desk or in a bathroom stall to job-oriented topics such as benefits, their workload, or a lack of appreciation among colleagues. “Of course, there are some exceptions to these guidelines. For example, if you happen to be crying because work has prevented you from seeing your family this week, that’s a gray area, and you might want to clear it with a supervisor before breaking down completely.” Clemence added that anyone with additional concerns about this rule should feel free to come to her and quietly bawl in her office.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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