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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hubble Space Telescope Finds Men From Venus, Women From Mars

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicists and self-help authors alike expressed shock Friday when new data from the Hubble Space Telescope indicated that, contrary to prior belief, men are from Venus and women are from Mars. "Ever since Copernicus' Third Universal Law On Why Men Can't Cry, scientists have believed the opposite, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus," Chief NASA Engineer Stanley Fordham said. Hubble data clearly indicates that Venus features an inhospitable atmosphere that does not easily express its emotions and tends to hog the remote control when watching TV. New spectrographic photographs of the Mars surface, on the other hand, shows a sharing planet, open with its emotions and very nurturing.

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