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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Hubble Space Telescope Finds Men From Venus, Women From Mars

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicists and self-help authors alike expressed shock Friday when new data from the Hubble Space Telescope indicated that, contrary to prior belief, men are from Venus and women are from Mars. "Ever since Copernicus' Third Universal Law On Why Men Can't Cry, scientists have believed the opposite, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus," Chief NASA Engineer Stanley Fordham said. Hubble data clearly indicates that Venus features an inhospitable atmosphere that does not easily express its emotions and tends to hog the remote control when watching TV. New spectrographic photographs of the Mars surface, on the other hand, shows a sharing planet, open with its emotions and very nurturing.

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