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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Hubris Rewarded

LOS ANGELES—Hubris, the theoretically fatal sin of overweening pride, failed to lead to the tragic downfall of high-powered executive Ted Carson, 49, who was instead rewarded with a promotion Monday to a junior partnership at the incredibly successful talent agency Farber & Schenk.

"Ted's attitude of unbridled selfishness—defined by a belief that he can do no wrong, a disregard for other human beings, and an insistence on ignoring those whose counsel he would be wise to heed—almost tempts fate when he declares himself somehow better than God," CEO Guy Carlisle said. "That's exactly the kind of person we want around here."

As of press time, there was no indication that Carson's new girlfriend, supermodel Ella Veronovitch, would be struck down by vengeful higher forces in the cosmos for considering herself a greater beauty than the goddesses of Olympus.

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