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Hubris Rewarded

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Hubris Rewarded

LOS ANGELES—Hubris, the theoretically fatal sin of overweening pride, failed to lead to the tragic downfall of high-powered executive Ted Carson, 49, who was instead rewarded with a promotion Monday to a junior partnership at the incredibly successful talent agency Farber & Schenk.

"Ted's attitude of unbridled selfishness—defined by a belief that he can do no wrong, a disregard for other human beings, and an insistence on ignoring those whose counsel he would be wise to heed—almost tempts fate when he declares himself somehow better than God," CEO Guy Carlisle said. "That's exactly the kind of person we want around here."

As of press time, there was no indication that Carson's new girlfriend, supermodel Ella Veronovitch, would be struck down by vengeful higher forces in the cosmos for considering herself a greater beauty than the goddesses of Olympus.

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