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Huckabee Decries Obamacare’s Failure To Help Slow, Cross-Eyed Cousin Who Got Kicked By Mule

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Election 2016

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Huckabee Decries Obamacare’s Failure To Help Slow, Cross-Eyed Cousin Who Got Kicked By Mule

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Lamenting that his kin “just weren’t the same since” while responding to a question at Thursday’s undercard debate, Republican candidate Mike Huckabee decried Obamacare’s failure to help his slow-witted, cross-eyed cousin Chester who got kicked by a mule in early 2013. “He’s got a big ol’ crater in his forehead and warn’t able to ’member much, but dang nabbit, even Chester done know that Obamacare let him down,” said Huckabee, adding that the Affordable Care Act had been a whole peck a’ trouble for his cousin, who could purt near only recollect five or six words since his accident but was still “friendlier than a possum in a sack of cackleberries.” “If that don’t beat all, they still saw fit to send us a dad-burned bill for who-knows-what gubmint gobbledygook, even though Chester ain’t a lick better off than afore. I’ll tell ya, when that Obamacare bill showed up, I was madder’n a wet hen.” At press time, Huckabee was criticizing the Obama administration’s disaster relief efforts for failing to save his Aunt Magda’s shack from being swallowed up by a mud hole.

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