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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Huckabee Decries Obamacare’s Failure To Help Slow, Cross-Eyed Cousin Who Got Kicked By Mule

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Lamenting that his kin “just weren’t the same since” while responding to a question at Thursday’s undercard debate, Republican candidate Mike Huckabee decried Obamacare’s failure to help his slow-witted, cross-eyed cousin Chester who got kicked by a mule in early 2013. “He’s got a big ol’ crater in his forehead and warn’t able to ’member much, but dang nabbit, even Chester done know that Obamacare let him down,” said Huckabee, adding that the Affordable Care Act had been a whole peck a’ trouble for his cousin, who could purt near only recollect five or six words since his accident but was still “friendlier than a possum in a sack of cackleberries.” “If that don’t beat all, they still saw fit to send us a dad-burned bill for who-knows-what gubmint gobbledygook, even though Chester ain’t a lick better off than afore. I’ll tell ya, when that Obamacare bill showed up, I was madder’n a wet hen.” At press time, Huckabee was criticizing the Obama administration’s disaster relief efforts for failing to save his Aunt Magda’s shack from being swallowed up by a mud hole.

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