HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

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Vol 33 Issue 02

Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson. "We are thrilled to have a big-time celebrity like Joel Klein endorsing our products," Microsoft’s Bill Gates said. "This highly recognizable figure should help greatly increase public awareness of Microsoft." Said Klein: "I am very excited to lend my image and name to Microsoft, America’s Software People. The company has long impressed me with the high quality of its products and its fair, non-monopolistic business practices." Klein then issued a cease-and-desist order against Apple Computer for anti-competitive pricing tactics, deceptive advertising, and unlawful employment of underage slave labor.

Local Couple Needs To Talk

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of the couple’s relationship," the report read, "Washburn and Healy need to get some things straight and determine just where things stand right now. They also need to figure out exactly where they’re headed." If the couple fails to talk, they face possible breakup, redistribution of personal items, and an undetermined period of involuntary abstinence.

MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by Miscogynator, a Keith Flint-fronted Prodigy side project. The video, which has outraged feminists with its graphic depictions of nude women being brutally beaten, is, according to MTV News' Kurt Loder, "an offensive, sick, degrading abomination that goes beyond all limits of decency, and will be aired unedited at least 15 times a day on MTV. Watch it often, and see for yourself just how wrong it is." Said MTV president David Zell: "Because of the disgusting, reprehensible nature of this video, MTV is only airing it between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. EST, when all teens are asleep, and between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. EST, when all teens are at school. This tough stance will ensure that no underage viewers will ever be exposed to this crass exercise in exploitation."

Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

I Wish To Go To Heaven

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260 million toward the construction of more than 50,000 low-outcome housing units in cities across the U.S.

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According to Cuomo, the new low-outcome housing projects—slated to begin construction May 1—will start out as proud symbols of urban renewal and be hailed by local and federal officials as "a major step in the right direction," but will quickly erode through a combination of crime, mismanagement and gross neglect.

"Thanks to these low-outcome housing units, hundreds of thousands of impoverished inner-city Americans will soon have a place to briefly call their own, a place they can feel good about in the short term," Cuomo said. "These housing units will provide these people with a clean, safe, comfortable place to live for many months before they fall into a state of disrepair due to an infestation of drug dealers and lack of federal upkeep funds."

Former president Jimmy Carter and wife Rosalynn oversee construction of a federally funded low-outcome housing project near Atlanta. Similar projects will soon go up across the U.S.

Cuomo said that under the just-approved plan, more than $390 million will not go toward basic maintenance of the housing projects over the next 20 years. Additionally, no funds have been earmarked for upgrades.

According to Cuomo, if all goes according to plan, the gleam will disappear from the new buildings' surfaces within one month, and ventilation systems will begin breaking within four. By November 1999, pipes should burst in 65 percent of the new units, leaving an estimated 160,000 residents without running water.

Cuomo said HUD officials have not yet determined where all the new housing units would be built, but specifically mentioned Chicago's Cabrini Green and Los Angeles' Compton neighborhood as "urban areas that are well beyond renewal, but could certainly do with more tiny apartments to despair in, walls to spray-paint, and dark, labyrinthine hallways to turn into youth prowling grounds."

The HUD plan was widely praised by community activists across the nation.

"These new dwellings should go a long way toward making me feel like things are getting better for America's poor," said Carole Tyler-Guyton, director of the San Diego-based Citizen's Outreach Network. "I only hope that, by the time they start falling apart, something else will come along to make me feel good."

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