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Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race. "Man, it'll sure be good to see them hitting the banking on that tri-oval," said a man in a camouflage jacket and an advertising-emblazoned mesh-back cap who made you feel less intelligent just by speaking aloud. "Looks like Jimmie Johnson has a good chance of gittin' 'er done again this year." Sources close to you said that, while NASCAR itself does seem to be targeting the three-toothed sister-humping illiterate demographic, it may be a bit elitist to write off every one of its fans as such.

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