adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA—A ton of people up and down the coast were seriously bumming Monday, when the Drug Enforcement Administration announced the seizure and destruction of huge quantities of seriously primo shit.

DEA agents destroy bales of confiscated marijuana, majorly bumming out loads of dudes all over.

According to a DEA spokesman, more than 16,000 pounds of marijuana—with a street value of, shit, practically $70 million or something—was destroyed in the bust, the largest illegal-crop confiscation by the federal government in a hell of a long time.

DEA agents uncovered the kind bud on a 60-acre farm five miles north of Lake Arrowhead.

"In terms of sheer numbers, this was by far the largest growing operation we've seen this decade," said DEA agent Donald Krujcek, who supervised the way-uncool burning of all that primo weed.

Discovered during a DEA helicopter surveillance sweep last week, the killer stash had previously gone undetected by authorities due to its totally sweet set-up at this awesome location in a remote section of the San Bernardino National Forest, where nobody had any freakin' idea where it was.

After discovering the plants—reportedly some of the finest domestically grown bud anyone's been able to get their hands on in, like, forever—a team of 50 federal authorities surrounded the area and totally put the kibosh on the whole deal.

More than two dozen DEA agents were airlifted in for the operation, causing serious hassles for the reported eight to ten people who had been growing the primo crop and who must have split the scene or something when they heard the choppers coming to get their asses.

As of press time, no arrests have been made, knock on wood, dude.

"We are making headway in the ongoing war on drugs, but there's no doubt we're fighting an uphill battle," said DEA agent Thomas Vineland, who assisted in the seriously bummer bust. "Despite increasingly stiff anti-drug legislation, marijuana is still California's number one cash crop, and revenues from the illegal harvest and sale of the drug climb higher every year. We do what we can, but the sad fact is, many citizens simply do not see marijuana as a dangerous narcotic. Regardless of our efforts to stop it, the illegal marijuana trade will continue to thrive, so long as the high commercial demand persists for high-grade cannabis like we incinerated today."

Citizens throughout the Lake Arrowhead area responded to Vineland's remarks with a slapping-the-forehead gesture, coupled with remarks along the lines of, "Well, duh, no shit, Sherlock."

Lake Arrowhead police officials, the fuckers, said the seized crop was so large that 25 additional deputies needed to be called in to provide assistance. But even with the extra manpower, the pigs said, the confiscation and incineration of the beautiful, healthy green plants—which could have gotten so many people high, man, instead of just being, like, freakin' wasted for no good reason at all—took nearly two full days.

A DEA agent displays one of the many beautifully manicured dope plants that were totally destroyed last weekend.

It is not known at this time exactly what kind of shit the shit was. Reports, however, indicate it may have been No Cal Karma-Groove, Stickyleaf Gold, Uncle Ephraim's Sweet Summer Surprise, or even the highly coveted, hard-to-find Muchacha Holy Mama Hallelujah hyper-hybrid, the 1998 winner of High 'N Mighty magazine's prestigious Homegrown Award.

After cutting down the illegal crop and, like, totally ruining the whole thing for everyone, police transported the seized marijuana to a federal incineration site 10 miles northeast of Lake Arrowhead, where it was totally torched without mercy, putting a whole lot of people in a seriously down mood and ruining the entire weekend for a ton of folks throughout the area.

"It's a real shame to see that much serious sticky-ass green just go up in flames, man. Talk about a buzz-kill," said Rick Vance, a local resident and hiking enthusiast who mostly just, you know, hangs out and enjoys nature most of the time. "I was there to see it all go up and, I gotta tell you, it was one sad day when they burned that shit."

More than 300 people turned out to witness the incineration, mourning the loss of all that perfectly good green with poetry readings, acoustic-guitar singalongs, interpretive-dance grief-management rituals, and a candlelight vigil that lasted well into the night. With the exception of police officers' refusal to let people stand downwind of the enormous cannabis bonfire, the gathering was not marred by any major hassles, but it was still a real downer.

"Dude, you don't even know how much I'd love to just stand right in the middle of that huge column of smoke and, like, flip the bird at all those feds and just groove, man," said one man who asked not to be identified. "That'd be so awesome."

"Wow, man," agreed local macrame artist Beth Anne Costa, who recently hitchhiked to the region to just take some time off from school and kind of get her head together and shit. "Just imagine if you smoked all that shit all by yourself. You'd be, like, so wasted, I bet."

Costa and an unidentified male companion then launched into a rambling account of this one time they and these other dudes were in Hawaii and saw, like, 40 huge garbage bags full of the most incredible stuff, like, ever, period, that's it man, eventually trailing off into incoherence before deciding to go maybe get a bite to eat someplace.

According to DEA statistics, the organization destroys more than two million pounds of marijuana a year in California alone, which is, like, who the hell even knows how many bowls.

"That's so sad, man," said local resident Bob "Midnight Toker" Roker. "I mean, shit, that's just a crime."

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close