Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

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Vol 35 Issue 33

T.A. Spotted At Bar

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Teaching assistant Drew Phelan was witnessed talking and laughing at an area bar Monday.

Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'

WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform Monday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed. "Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"

Tourist Realizes It's All Just A Lie Set In Place For Him

SAGEBRUSH, TX—An excursion to the Sagebrush Wild West Ghost Town ended in disillusionment Saturday, when, over the course of two hours, Lodi, NJ, resident Vic Coyne came to see the 'genuine 1873 frontier village' for the play-acting fantasy artifice it always was. "I was first taken aback by the blacksmith's shop with the concrete frame," Coyne said. "But I figured it could be a reconstruction from old photographs in cooperation with a local historical society." The final blow, Coyne said, was "the 'old-time' saloon, in which the bartender's nametag read 'Smilin' Joe' and a menu item read 'Old-Fashioned Sarsaparilla,' with 'Hires Root Beer' in parentheses."

Unnamed New Gas Station Struggling To Find 'Stop 'N Go' Variant

CHARLESTON, WV—The grand opening of a Charleston-area gas station was put on hold Monday as its owner struggled to find an available "Stop 'N Go" variant for its name. "Already taken are 'Gas 'N Go,' 'Stop 'N Fuel,' 'Pump 'N Pay,' 'Gas 'N Save,' 'Pay 'N Go,' 'Park 'N Pump,' 'Fuel 'N Drive,' 'Stop 'N Gas,' 'Get 'N Go,' 'Fuel 'N Pay,' 'Buy 'N Leave,' 'Fill 'N Flee,' 'Tank 'N Peel,' and 'Pay 'N G'way,'" said owner Marv Stoudt, who noted that he has even exhausted such British variants as "Petrol 'N Depart." "We are trying to find a yet-unused permutation of two words separated by the fanciful abbreviation 'N that conveys some combination of gas, low price, stopping and going," Stoudt said.

Report: Adjectives 'Tony,' 'Snarky' Used Only By Media

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the McLuhan Institute For Media Studies, the adjectives "tony" and "snarky" are used exclusively by the media and have not occurred in person-to-person conversation in 36 years. "It is our finding that the most recent occurrence of 'tony' in a non-media context was during a conversation between two socialites at a 1963 New Year's Eve party at New York's Ritz-Carlton Hotel," the report read. "As for 'snarky,' to the best of our knowledge, the word has never been used by a non-media source." The adjectives join "glitterati," "gal pal" and "posh digs" in the pantheon of words and terms existing exclusively in the media.

Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I don't know, you see lots worse stuff in the movies," said Ed Rozema, who was waiting in line to buy cigarettes at the time of the sort-of-chilling double homicide. "I mean, yes, it was unpleasant, but it wasn't the most gruesome murder in the world." Police at the scene agreed, saying they have seen far more horrific crimes. "The gunshots were clean and to the chest, so it's not like there was blood and brains all over the floor," said Sgt. Bill Culver of New Orleans' 33rd Precinct. "A murderer is going to have to work a lot harder to shock us."

TV Targets Teens

Encouraged by the success of such WB programs as Dawson's Creek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, other networks are rolling out their own teen-oriented shows this season. What tactics are programmers using to attract this coverted demographic?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Spring

Partying

Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA—A ton of people up and down the coast were seriously bumming Monday, when the Drug Enforcement Administration announced the seizure and destruction of huge quantities of seriously primo shit.

DEA agents destroy bales of confiscated marijuana, majorly bumming out loads of dudes all over.

According to a DEA spokesman, more than 16,000 pounds of marijuana—with a street value of, shit, practically $70 million or something—was destroyed in the bust, the largest illegal-crop confiscation by the federal government in a hell of a long time.

DEA agents uncovered the kind bud on a 60-acre farm five miles north of Lake Arrowhead.

"In terms of sheer numbers, this was by far the largest growing operation we've seen this decade," said DEA agent Donald Krujcek, who supervised the way-uncool burning of all that primo weed.

Discovered during a DEA helicopter surveillance sweep last week, the killer stash had previously gone undetected by authorities due to its totally sweet set-up at this awesome location in a remote section of the San Bernardino National Forest, where nobody had any freakin' idea where it was.

After discovering the plants—reportedly some of the finest domestically grown bud anyone's been able to get their hands on in, like, forever—a team of 50 federal authorities surrounded the area and totally put the kibosh on the whole deal.

More than two dozen DEA agents were airlifted in for the operation, causing serious hassles for the reported eight to ten people who had been growing the primo crop and who must have split the scene or something when they heard the choppers coming to get their asses.

As of press time, no arrests have been made, knock on wood, dude.

"We are making headway in the ongoing war on drugs, but there's no doubt we're fighting an uphill battle," said DEA agent Thomas Vineland, who assisted in the seriously bummer bust. "Despite increasingly stiff anti-drug legislation, marijuana is still California's number one cash crop, and revenues from the illegal harvest and sale of the drug climb higher every year. We do what we can, but the sad fact is, many citizens simply do not see marijuana as a dangerous narcotic. Regardless of our efforts to stop it, the illegal marijuana trade will continue to thrive, so long as the high commercial demand persists for high-grade cannabis like we incinerated today."

Citizens throughout the Lake Arrowhead area responded to Vineland's remarks with a slapping-the-forehead gesture, coupled with remarks along the lines of, "Well, duh, no shit, Sherlock."

Lake Arrowhead police officials, the fuckers, said the seized crop was so large that 25 additional deputies needed to be called in to provide assistance. But even with the extra manpower, the pigs said, the confiscation and incineration of the beautiful, healthy green plants—which could have gotten so many people high, man, instead of just being, like, freakin' wasted for no good reason at all—took nearly two full days.

A DEA agent displays one of the many beautifully manicured dope plants that were totally destroyed last weekend.

It is not known at this time exactly what kind of shit the shit was. Reports, however, indicate it may have been No Cal Karma-Groove, Stickyleaf Gold, Uncle Ephraim's Sweet Summer Surprise, or even the highly coveted, hard-to-find Muchacha Holy Mama Hallelujah hyper-hybrid, the 1998 winner of High 'N Mighty magazine's prestigious Homegrown Award.

After cutting down the illegal crop and, like, totally ruining the whole thing for everyone, police transported the seized marijuana to a federal incineration site 10 miles northeast of Lake Arrowhead, where it was totally torched without mercy, putting a whole lot of people in a seriously down mood and ruining the entire weekend for a ton of folks throughout the area.

"It's a real shame to see that much serious sticky-ass green just go up in flames, man. Talk about a buzz-kill," said Rick Vance, a local resident and hiking enthusiast who mostly just, you know, hangs out and enjoys nature most of the time. "I was there to see it all go up and, I gotta tell you, it was one sad day when they burned that shit."

More than 300 people turned out to witness the incineration, mourning the loss of all that perfectly good green with poetry readings, acoustic-guitar singalongs, interpretive-dance grief-management rituals, and a candlelight vigil that lasted well into the night. With the exception of police officers' refusal to let people stand downwind of the enormous cannabis bonfire, the gathering was not marred by any major hassles, but it was still a real downer.

"Dude, you don't even know how much I'd love to just stand right in the middle of that huge column of smoke and, like, flip the bird at all those feds and just groove, man," said one man who asked not to be identified. "That'd be so awesome."

"Wow, man," agreed local macrame artist Beth Anne Costa, who recently hitchhiked to the region to just take some time off from school and kind of get her head together and shit. "Just imagine if you smoked all that shit all by yourself. You'd be, like, so wasted, I bet."

Costa and an unidentified male companion then launched into a rambling account of this one time they and these other dudes were in Hawaii and saw, like, 40 huge garbage bags full of the most incredible stuff, like, ever, period, that's it man, eventually trailing off into incoherence before deciding to go maybe get a bite to eat someplace.

According to DEA statistics, the organization destroys more than two million pounds of marijuana a year in California alone, which is, like, who the hell even knows how many bowls.

"That's so sad, man," said local resident Bob "Midnight Toker" Roker. "I mean, shit, that's just a crime."

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