Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man

Top Headlines

Local

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Good Times

Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man

When Krypel doesn’t have to deal with the nature of man, animals, or anything, he’s fine.
When Krypel doesn’t have to deal with the nature of man, animals, or anything, he’s fine.

COLUMBUS, OH—Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy at heart," human civilization has a tendency to bring out the worst in him.

"I've known Justin for years, and whenever he's not engaged with modern society in any way, he's actually pretty nice and laid-back," said former roommate Michael Mariani, 32, who noted Krypel was typically agreeable when sitting by himself in a room doing nothing. "However, as soon as he's exposed to some aspect of the culture in which he lives, he can get pretty irritable and difficult to be around."

"Some things just really seem to push his buttons, like work, having to deal with other people, or any inescapable feature of human existence along those lines, really," Mariani continued. "It's best to try to avoid that stuff when you're around him."

Krypel reportedly grows petulant and sanctimonious and reacts with an unfounded sense of aggrievement when exposed to any facet of 21st century life, from technology, to fixed timetables and schedules, to listening, to modes of transportation.

Additionally, a source close to the local man confirmed, "You don't want to be anywhere near [Krypel]" when he's around the economy.

"For a long time, I thought Justin was kind of a jerk, but that's because I only ever saw him in the context of universally agreed upon societal conventions and the fundamental precept of the division of labor, both of which tend to draw out some of his more negative characteristics," coworker Ellen Chastenay, 30, said. "Eventually I realized he just has certain triggers, like being a member of a functioning society."

"If you can keep him away from the concepts of cooperation, the social contract, or the necessity of using a common language to engage in routine interpersonal communication, he's just like everyone else," Chastenay added.

According to sources, even when Krypel is isolated from fellow human beings, certain aspects of contemporary American civilization are still capable of eliciting his more reprehensible traits. For example, when alone in his home and exposed to everyday cultural experiences such as the viewing of television or the consumption of prepackaged foods, Krypel regularly exhibits extreme lethargy, substandard hygiene, and a loss of all willpower.

While recognizing that the man's casual acquaintances often find him to be annoying, rude, and an "insufferable asshole," those closest to Krypel asserted this was not the "real Justin," and assured reporters he was "much more pleasant" when he was in no way interacting with the world.

"Sure, a lot of things like popular culture, science, procuring goods or services, computers, and reading really set him off, but that's not who he actually is," said wife Sandra Krypel, 33, noting that while asleep or staring silently into the distance, her husband could be quite even-tempered. "Those things just happen to be completely incompatible with his personality. Believe me, on the inside, which is as insulated as possible from anything we would recognize as the human experience, he's actually a good-natured, great man."

"Though I'll be the first to admit that when he lets out one of his long, exaggerated sighs of indignation, you simply can't help wanting to punch him right in the back of his big fat head," she added.

According to estimates from the American Psychological Association, the type of personality disorder exhibited by Krypel is shared by approximately 93 percent of U.S. citizens, though many believe the actual figure to be higher due to the condition's underdiagnosis.