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Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man

When Krypel doesn’t have to deal with the nature of man, animals, or anything, he’s fine.
When Krypel doesn’t have to deal with the nature of man, animals, or anything, he’s fine.

COLUMBUS, OH—Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy at heart," human civilization has a tendency to bring out the worst in him.

"I've known Justin for years, and whenever he's not engaged with modern society in any way, he's actually pretty nice and laid-back," said former roommate Michael Mariani, 32, who noted Krypel was typically agreeable when sitting by himself in a room doing nothing. "However, as soon as he's exposed to some aspect of the culture in which he lives, he can get pretty irritable and difficult to be around."

"Some things just really seem to push his buttons, like work, having to deal with other people, or any inescapable feature of human existence along those lines, really," Mariani continued. "It's best to try to avoid that stuff when you're around him."

Krypel reportedly grows petulant and sanctimonious and reacts with an unfounded sense of aggrievement when exposed to any facet of 21st century life, from technology, to fixed timetables and schedules, to listening, to modes of transportation.

Additionally, a source close to the local man confirmed, "You don't want to be anywhere near [Krypel]" when he's around the economy.

"For a long time, I thought Justin was kind of a jerk, but that's because I only ever saw him in the context of universally agreed upon societal conventions and the fundamental precept of the division of labor, both of which tend to draw out some of his more negative characteristics," coworker Ellen Chastenay, 30, said. "Eventually I realized he just has certain triggers, like being a member of a functioning society."

"If you can keep him away from the concepts of cooperation, the social contract, or the necessity of using a common language to engage in routine interpersonal communication, he's just like everyone else," Chastenay added.

According to sources, even when Krypel is isolated from fellow human beings, certain aspects of contemporary American civilization are still capable of eliciting his more reprehensible traits. For example, when alone in his home and exposed to everyday cultural experiences such as the viewing of television or the consumption of prepackaged foods, Krypel regularly exhibits extreme lethargy, substandard hygiene, and a loss of all willpower.

While recognizing that the man's casual acquaintances often find him to be annoying, rude, and an "insufferable asshole," those closest to Krypel asserted this was not the "real Justin," and assured reporters he was "much more pleasant" when he was in no way interacting with the world.

"Sure, a lot of things like popular culture, science, procuring goods or services, computers, and reading really set him off, but that's not who he actually is," said wife Sandra Krypel, 33, noting that while asleep or staring silently into the distance, her husband could be quite even-tempered. "Those things just happen to be completely incompatible with his personality. Believe me, on the inside, which is as insulated as possible from anything we would recognize as the human experience, he's actually a good-natured, great man."

"Though I'll be the first to admit that when he lets out one of his long, exaggerated sighs of indignation, you simply can't help wanting to punch him right in the back of his big fat head," she added.

According to estimates from the American Psychological Association, the type of personality disorder exhibited by Krypel is shared by approximately 93 percent of U.S. citizens, though many believe the actual figure to be higher due to the condition's underdiagnosis.

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