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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man

When Krypel doesn’t have to deal with the nature of man, animals, or anything, he’s fine.
When Krypel doesn’t have to deal with the nature of man, animals, or anything, he’s fine.

COLUMBUS, OH—Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy at heart," human civilization has a tendency to bring out the worst in him.

"I've known Justin for years, and whenever he's not engaged with modern society in any way, he's actually pretty nice and laid-back," said former roommate Michael Mariani, 32, who noted Krypel was typically agreeable when sitting by himself in a room doing nothing. "However, as soon as he's exposed to some aspect of the culture in which he lives, he can get pretty irritable and difficult to be around."

"Some things just really seem to push his buttons, like work, having to deal with other people, or any inescapable feature of human existence along those lines, really," Mariani continued. "It's best to try to avoid that stuff when you're around him."

Krypel reportedly grows petulant and sanctimonious and reacts with an unfounded sense of aggrievement when exposed to any facet of 21st century life, from technology, to fixed timetables and schedules, to listening, to modes of transportation.

Additionally, a source close to the local man confirmed, "You don't want to be anywhere near [Krypel]" when he's around the economy.

"For a long time, I thought Justin was kind of a jerk, but that's because I only ever saw him in the context of universally agreed upon societal conventions and the fundamental precept of the division of labor, both of which tend to draw out some of his more negative characteristics," coworker Ellen Chastenay, 30, said. "Eventually I realized he just has certain triggers, like being a member of a functioning society."

"If you can keep him away from the concepts of cooperation, the social contract, or the necessity of using a common language to engage in routine interpersonal communication, he's just like everyone else," Chastenay added.

According to sources, even when Krypel is isolated from fellow human beings, certain aspects of contemporary American civilization are still capable of eliciting his more reprehensible traits. For example, when alone in his home and exposed to everyday cultural experiences such as the viewing of television or the consumption of prepackaged foods, Krypel regularly exhibits extreme lethargy, substandard hygiene, and a loss of all willpower.

While recognizing that the man's casual acquaintances often find him to be annoying, rude, and an "insufferable asshole," those closest to Krypel asserted this was not the "real Justin," and assured reporters he was "much more pleasant" when he was in no way interacting with the world.

"Sure, a lot of things like popular culture, science, procuring goods or services, computers, and reading really set him off, but that's not who he actually is," said wife Sandra Krypel, 33, noting that while asleep or staring silently into the distance, her husband could be quite even-tempered. "Those things just happen to be completely incompatible with his personality. Believe me, on the inside, which is as insulated as possible from anything we would recognize as the human experience, he's actually a good-natured, great man."

"Though I'll be the first to admit that when he lets out one of his long, exaggerated sighs of indignation, you simply can't help wanting to punch him right in the back of his big fat head," she added.

According to estimates from the American Psychological Association, the type of personality disorder exhibited by Krypel is shared by approximately 93 percent of U.S. citizens, though many believe the actual figure to be higher due to the condition's underdiagnosis.

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