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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat

TOPEKA, KS—The moment Laurie and Ronald Bergman indicated their willingness to adopt an abused 2-year-old tabby in need of a caring home, a volunteer at Helping Hands Humane Society began trying to convince the couple to take a much sicker cat instead, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t be happy with that younger cat, but ol’ Sweet Pea here is so sleepy and cuddly, you can do just about anything you want to with him,” adoption coordinator Allison Gilbert said before demonstrating how the cat still appeared to have most of his fur when held at a certain angle. “Look at how sleepy and cuddly he is! And with this little guy you don’t need to worry about spending a fortune on cat food, because Sweet Pea doesn’t have much of an appetite—do you Sweet Pea?” Gilbert reportedly went on to praise Sweet Pea’s coughlike purr and remark on how he must be really happy to see the Bergmans, seeing as he was shaking even more than usual.

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Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

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