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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat

TOPEKA, KS—The moment Laurie and Ronald Bergman indicated their willingness to adopt an abused 2-year-old tabby in need of a caring home, a volunteer at Helping Hands Humane Society began trying to convince the couple to take a much sicker cat instead, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t be happy with that younger cat, but ol’ Sweet Pea here is so sleepy and cuddly, you can do just about anything you want to with him,” adoption coordinator Allison Gilbert said before demonstrating how the cat still appeared to have most of his fur when held at a certain angle. “Look at how sleepy and cuddly he is! And with this little guy you don’t need to worry about spending a fortune on cat food, because Sweet Pea doesn’t have much of an appetite—do you Sweet Pea?” Gilbert reportedly went on to praise Sweet Pea’s coughlike purr and remark on how he must be really happy to see the Bergmans, seeing as he was shaking even more than usual.

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