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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat

TOPEKA, KS—The moment Laurie and Ronald Bergman indicated their willingness to adopt an abused 2-year-old tabby in need of a caring home, a volunteer at Helping Hands Humane Society began trying to convince the couple to take a much sicker cat instead, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I’m not saying you wouldn’t be happy with that younger cat, but ol’ Sweet Pea here is so sleepy and cuddly, you can do just about anything you want to with him,” adoption coordinator Allison Gilbert said before demonstrating how the cat still appeared to have most of his fur when held at a certain angle. “Look at how sleepy and cuddly he is! And with this little guy you don’t need to worry about spending a fortune on cat food, because Sweet Pea doesn’t have much of an appetite—do you Sweet Pea?” Gilbert reportedly went on to praise Sweet Pea’s coughlike purr and remark on how he must be really happy to see the Bergmans, seeing as he was shaking even more than usual.

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