adBlockCheck

Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God

An ailing God Almighty, Our Heavenly Lord and Father, was finally put to sleep this week by the human race.
An ailing God Almighty, Our Heavenly Lord and Father, was finally put to sleep this week by the human race.

THE HEAVENS—Citing an inability to adequately care for the aging all-powerful deity, members of the human race told reporters Monday that they were forced to put down God, the omniscient creator worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years.

“This is something we’ve been putting off for a long time, but at the end of the day, it’s what’s best for Him,” said human Daniel Whiting of Appleton, WI, acknowledging that the “difficult decision” comes after years of dealing with The Divine Creator’s sapped energy, urinary tract infections, recurring blindness in His left eye, and noticeable lack of strength and enthusiasm. “At some point, you just have to think about what will make God suffer less: letting Him live in pain for a thousand more years or just letting Him go peacefully in His sleep now?”

“Sure, it was a difficult decision, but it was inevitable,” concurred Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Vatican City. “After all, He was already 13 billion years old.”

According to sources, at approximately 1:34 p.m. Monday afternoon the elderly Almighty Father was injected with a high dosage of pentobarbital, allowing Him to slowly drift to sleep before experiencing painless cardiac arrest followed immediately by death.

In the hours since the passing of The Maker of Heaven and Earth, the human race told reporters that, while they certainly missed having Him around, they preferred to enjoy their fond memories of a younger and more energetic God.

“The excitability and joy for life He used to radiate was infectious,” said Maria Castellanos of Guadalajara, Mexico, referring to the days when the Divine Being would friskily follow the human race wherever they went and “get Himself into all kinds of trouble.” “But for the last millennia or so, He spent most of His time just moping around—rarely ever using His omnipotence and barely even capable of rendering miracles and answering prayers. He hardly even acknowledged [humanity] as we went about our day, really.”

“He was just sort of there,” Castellanos added. “And as much as we enjoyed having Him around, He just didn’t have it in Him to do the things He used to love to do.”

The world’s 7.14 billion people went on to admit that there were numerous instances when they considered putting God to sleep but ultimately relented.

“There was a time around the third century B.C. when God was just so aggressive and uncontrollable we thought we’d definitely have to put Him down,” Harvard theologian Peter Gomes said this week. “And there were some other close calls, like the time He was hit by a car in 1983. But He always bounced back. This time, though, we finally had to acknowledge that it was time to say goodbye.”

Despite reporting a distinct feeling of sadness and loss, the human race confirmed today that they were also reminiscing on many memories of the Supreme Lord and Savior’s life, from His very first creation of the heavens and earth, to the time He rambunctiously flooded the earth for 150 days, to His allowance of the Holocaust from 1938 to 1945, to the sweet sunset he conjured on the evening of July 12, 1998.

“The thing that makes me feel better is knowing that He had a great life, even when things got a little rough at the very end,” Beijing-area human Huai Cheng said. “It’ll be hard letting go, but when it’s the right time, we’ll talk about getting another God.”

“Maybe even two of them,” Huai added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close