adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God

An ailing God Almighty, Our Heavenly Lord and Father, was finally put to sleep this week by the human race.
An ailing God Almighty, Our Heavenly Lord and Father, was finally put to sleep this week by the human race.

THE HEAVENS—Citing an inability to adequately care for the aging all-powerful deity, members of the human race told reporters Monday that they were forced to put down God, the omniscient creator worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years.

“This is something we’ve been putting off for a long time, but at the end of the day, it’s what’s best for Him,” said human Daniel Whiting of Appleton, WI, acknowledging that the “difficult decision” comes after years of dealing with The Divine Creator’s sapped energy, urinary tract infections, recurring blindness in His left eye, and noticeable lack of strength and enthusiasm. “At some point, you just have to think about what will make God suffer less: letting Him live in pain for a thousand more years or just letting Him go peacefully in His sleep now?”

“Sure, it was a difficult decision, but it was inevitable,” concurred Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Vatican City. “After all, He was already 13 billion years old.”

According to sources, at approximately 1:34 p.m. Monday afternoon the elderly Almighty Father was injected with a high dosage of pentobarbital, allowing Him to slowly drift to sleep before experiencing painless cardiac arrest followed immediately by death.

In the hours since the passing of The Maker of Heaven and Earth, the human race told reporters that, while they certainly missed having Him around, they preferred to enjoy their fond memories of a younger and more energetic God.

“The excitability and joy for life He used to radiate was infectious,” said Maria Castellanos of Guadalajara, Mexico, referring to the days when the Divine Being would friskily follow the human race wherever they went and “get Himself into all kinds of trouble.” “But for the last millennia or so, He spent most of His time just moping around—rarely ever using His omnipotence and barely even capable of rendering miracles and answering prayers. He hardly even acknowledged [humanity] as we went about our day, really.”

“He was just sort of there,” Castellanos added. “And as much as we enjoyed having Him around, He just didn’t have it in Him to do the things He used to love to do.”

The world’s 7.14 billion people went on to admit that there were numerous instances when they considered putting God to sleep but ultimately relented.

“There was a time around the third century B.C. when God was just so aggressive and uncontrollable we thought we’d definitely have to put Him down,” Harvard theologian Peter Gomes said this week. “And there were some other close calls, like the time He was hit by a car in 1983. But He always bounced back. This time, though, we finally had to acknowledge that it was time to say goodbye.”

Despite reporting a distinct feeling of sadness and loss, the human race confirmed today that they were also reminiscing on many memories of the Supreme Lord and Savior’s life, from His very first creation of the heavens and earth, to the time He rambunctiously flooded the earth for 150 days, to His allowance of the Holocaust from 1938 to 1945, to the sweet sunset he conjured on the evening of July 12, 1998.

“The thing that makes me feel better is knowing that He had a great life, even when things got a little rough at the very end,” Beijing-area human Huai Cheng said. “It’ll be hard letting go, but when it’s the right time, we’ll talk about getting another God.”

“Maybe even two of them,” Huai added.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close