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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Humanity Hoping It Only Has To Put Up With Few More Millennia Of This Shit

NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit. “Right now, it feels like so many innocent people are dying in senseless violence around the world every single day, but I remain hopeful that we’ll be able to finally move past this shit in the next five or six thousand years,” said Norfolk, VA resident Bethany Millner, one of the world’s 7.4 billion individuals who expressed optimism that the ongoing cycle of appalling tragedies impacting virtually every country on earth would steadily taper off and eventually cease completely in the next several dozen centuries or so. “Everyone’s so sick and tired of dealing with this fucking horror all the time, but I genuinely believe that we could all live peacefully together by maybe the year 8000 or 8500. Maybe that’s too optimistic, but I think if we just work at it for a few hundred generations, we can do it.” Humanity later added that, if it was truly being honest with itself, given its history, ending such horrific acts once and for all might actually take a geological eon or two.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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