Humanity Still Producing New Art As Though Megadeth’s ‘Rust In Peace’ Doesn’t Already Exist

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Best Of August 2015

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.
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Humanity Still Producing New Art As Though Megadeth’s ‘Rust In Peace’ Doesn’t Already Exist

WASHINGTON—Saying that any further endeavors of technical skill and imagination were pointless, experts at the Smithsonian Institution reportedly questioned Monday why new art was still being produced after the pinnacle of aesthetic and creative potential was reached in 1990 with Megadeth’s fourth studio album, Rust In Peace. “As the unquestioned apex of the entire history of the creative arts, Rust In Peace is the finest and last necessary piece of human expression—but it’s almost as though current so-called artists are completely oblivious to Dave Mustaine’s blistering, transcendent guitar work on ‘Hangar 18,’” said Smithsonian curator of contemporary art Joanna Marsh, gesturing dismissively in the direction of a massive self-portrait by photorealist Chuck Close, completed in 2000. “It’s not just incredibly disrespectful to keep making art; in many ways, it’s actually quite sad. The deluded people churning out this worthless garbage just can’t seem to reconcile themselves to the fact that their pathetic little sculptures and films and novels and whatnot will always pale in comparison to the brilliantly inspired, heart-stopping tempo shift halfway through ‘Holy Wars… The Punishment Due.’” At press time, a spokesperson from the Centre Pompidou in Paris confirmed the museum’s plans to throw out the contents of an entire wing and leave a massive, pure white space where the track “Lucretia” will be played on loop at full volume.

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