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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Humiliated Man Discovers Embroidery On His Jean Pockets

CHICAGO—Growing increasingly ashamed as he imagined how many people must have already noticed, local man Matt Quinlan was reportedly humiliated Friday upon discovering ornate embroidery on his jeans’ back pocket. “Oh, God, how did I miss this shit?” said Quinlan, 29, who cringed upon realizing that his shirt was not long enough to cover up the garish decorative stitches that would be in full view for the rest of the day. “Christ, I can’t just walk around with this thing on my pants—everyone can see it. Goddammit. How did I miss this at the store?” At press time, a relieved Quinlan had managed to salvage the pants by cutting off the flashy back pocket with a pair of scissors.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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