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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Humiliated Man Discovers Embroidery On His Jean Pockets

CHICAGO—Growing increasingly ashamed as he imagined how many people must have already noticed, local man Matt Quinlan was reportedly humiliated Friday upon discovering ornate embroidery on his jeans’ back pocket. “Oh, God, how did I miss this shit?” said Quinlan, 29, who cringed upon realizing that his shirt was not long enough to cover up the garish decorative stitches that would be in full view for the rest of the day. “Christ, I can’t just walk around with this thing on my pants—everyone can see it. Goddammit. How did I miss this at the store?” At press time, a relieved Quinlan had managed to salvage the pants by cutting off the flashy back pocket with a pair of scissors.

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