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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Humiliated Team Of Cuban Doctors Forced To Continue Treating Long-Dead Fidel Castro

HAVANA—Sources within Cuba confirmed Monday that a group of completely humiliated doctors has once again been forced to administer routine medical treatments to former president Fidel Castro, who passed away in early 2008 after suffering a massive ischemic stroke. “All right, I suppose we’d better get some blood work done to check those cholesterol levels,” physician Victor Arrechea reportedly made himself say during the utterly embarrassing charade in which he and his five-person team performed a full physical exam of the deceased Cuban leader, all under the careful watch of armed government guards. “The comandante’s lungs sound clear, and his vitals are all stable. Let’s continue that dosage of Diovan just to make sure his blood pressure stays down.” The doctors were then reportedly forced to put themselves through the degrading process of releasing a press statement confirming that Castro is in perfect health and will live for at least another decade.

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