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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Humiliated Team Of Cuban Doctors Forced To Continue Treating Long-Dead Fidel Castro

HAVANA—Sources within Cuba confirmed Monday that a group of completely humiliated doctors has once again been forced to administer routine medical treatments to former president Fidel Castro, who passed away in early 2008 after suffering a massive ischemic stroke. “All right, I suppose we’d better get some blood work done to check those cholesterol levels,” physician Victor Arrechea reportedly made himself say during the utterly embarrassing charade in which he and his five-person team performed a full physical exam of the deceased Cuban leader, all under the careful watch of armed government guards. “The comandante’s lungs sound clear, and his vitals are all stable. Let’s continue that dosage of Diovan just to make sure his blood pressure stays down.” The doctors were then reportedly forced to put themselves through the degrading process of releasing a press statement confirming that Castro is in perfect health and will live for at least another decade.

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