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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Humiliated Team Of Cuban Doctors Forced To Continue Treating Long-Dead Fidel Castro

HAVANA—Sources within Cuba confirmed Monday that a group of completely humiliated doctors has once again been forced to administer routine medical treatments to former president Fidel Castro, who passed away in early 2008 after suffering a massive ischemic stroke. “All right, I suppose we’d better get some blood work done to check those cholesterol levels,” physician Victor Arrechea reportedly made himself say during the utterly embarrassing charade in which he and his five-person team performed a full physical exam of the deceased Cuban leader, all under the careful watch of armed government guards. “The comandante’s lungs sound clear, and his vitals are all stable. Let’s continue that dosage of Diovan just to make sure his blood pressure stays down.” The doctors were then reportedly forced to put themselves through the degrading process of releasing a press statement confirming that Castro is in perfect health and will live for at least another decade.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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