Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something–Anti-Something Clash

Top Headlines


Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something–Anti-Something Clash

Experts say the pro-somethings and anti-somethings have been clashing for generations.
Experts say the pro-somethings and anti-somethings have been clashing for generations.

SOMEWHERE—Sources confirmed yesterday that a series of riots, bombings, and urban firefights has left hundreds dead and many more wounded in the latest flare-up in the long-standing conflict between the pro-something group and the anti-something group.

The latest round of bloodletting, which comes after weeks of public demonstrations and counter-demonstrations, was reportedly sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, a thing that anti-something leaders have long insisted their opponents cannot rightfully claim.

“We must and will respond when provoked,” said a spokesman for the pro-somethings in a statement released to the media. “We cannot sit idly by while our supporters are killed by an enemy determined to [do what we oppose].”

According to sources, what began earlier in the day as crowds of pro-something and anti-something protesters chanting pro-something and anti-something slogans quickly devolved into rocks being thrown from both sides. Witnesses confirmed that the Anti-Something Militia and Pro-Something Guard soon joined in with live ammunition, fanning the flames as they each carried out larger-scale operations well into the night.

In response, members of the diplomatic community have condemned the latest escalation of violence, calling for the anti-somethings and the pro-somethings to lay down their weapons and resume talks.

“These acts of aggression are unacceptable,” said a U.N. official in a statement carefully worded so as not to suggest any strong allegiance either in support of or in opposition to the pro-something faction. “Therefore, we ask that both sides cease their assaults and initiate an open dialogue. Only then can there be any hope for a solution.”

This week’s fighting reportedly marks the first incident since the groups signed last year’s widely publicized accords, which stated that while neither side may do the thing they want, they are prohibited from stopping the other group from doing the thing that they want—an agreement leaders from both sides hailed as a significant step toward peace.

However, citing the attacks as a possible retaliation for last year’s pro-something incursion—which was itself retribution for the anti-something offensive from the year before—experts say that the recent bloodshed is merely the newest chapter of an intractable conflict that has spanned several centuries.

“It’s important to recognize that these people have been raised their entire lives to demonize each other,” said a renowned scholar who recently returned from a trip to the region. “The two sides in this conflict have been fighting over [a thing that one group wants and the other group does not want] for generations. It’s simply part of their identity.”

Academics noted that to truly understand the Anti-Pro conflict, one must consider the conflict’s historical background, including the social issues, governmental structures, geopolitical alliances, education, access to health care, sanitation, economics, role of women, flow of illegal arms, ethnicity, and religion.

Additionally, sources said, it is important to note the internal strife being faced by other players in the region, who are currently working to maintain their own tenuous peace between their pro-something and anti-something groups.

“Unfortunately, despite pressure from [anti-somethings and pro-somethings living abroad], a full-scale intervention from the international community remains unlikely,” said an expert who is well acquainted with the agendas of both those who want a thing to happen and those who don’t want a thing to happen. “Given the great complexity of the situation, we may be looking at a long and violent stalemate.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close