adBlockCheck

Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying they found themselves shocked, appalled, and yet unable to look away, hundreds of passersby stopped to view the horrible wreckage of 34-year-old local resident Tim Finucane on Tuesday.

Cordoning off a 50-foot area of debris in a beer-can-strewn yard, law-enforcement officials confirmed they found the crushed, broken-down ruin of a man sitting on his front porch and staring blankly into the distance, but would not speculate as to what led to the disastrous scene.

"We haven't been able to determine what could have caused the devastating impact that must have taken place here," said Sgt. James Hodges of the Tallahassee Police Department, standing a few yards away from the chain-smoking wreck. "All we know is that a white male in his mid-30s lost control of his life and, after a series of wrong turns, completely fell apart, coming to a stop where you see him now."

"In my 22 years on the force, I've never seen anything so heart-wrenching," Hodges continued. "Those sad, dull eyes of his—the whole scene is too terrible for words."

Phillip Reiss, a local electrician watching from behind the police barricade, was one of many in the growing crowd who said he felt deeply disturbed but strangely entranced by the human wreckage.

"I can't take my eyes away from it," Reiss said. "It's this feeling of wanting to do something, but feeling completely helpless. I mean, look at him. Is there even anything that can be done to rebuild his life at this point, or do you just try to make him as comfortable as possible?"

Among the hundreds who stood gaping at the shattered man, several told reporters their hearts went out to those who had lost so much in the tragedy. By Tuesday evening, a makeshift memorial of flowers and notes bearing words of sympathy had already been erected in tribute to Finucane's ex-wife, who had so many years of her life stolen from her as a result of the walking tragedy.

"I can't stop thinking about his poor kids," said 53-year-old schoolteacher Robin Mayer, referring to the three as-yet unidentified children scarred for life by the catastrophic ordeal. "It's just so sad to think that they'll never have a normal childhood and will always have to live with this."

"At least on alternate weekends," Mayer added.

Some residents expressed dismay with the assembled onlookers, pleading with the crowd to let Finucane keep whatever dignity he had left and to move aside so someone could "at least come in and clean him up."

Others, including public safety advocate Ted Moura, questioned whether the wreck could have been prevented. Moura claimed that Finucane's increasing dilapidation over the years should have tipped off community officials.

"This was a disaster of a human being waiting to happen," Moura told reporters. "There were plenty of warning signs that he just couldn't bear that kind of weight and stress, and yet no one did anything about it. And now we all have to deal with the aftermath."

Moura added that the sheer number of similar incidences that have occurred in the past year on the same stretch of road where Finucane was discovered—most recently, the massive burnout of 31-year-old attorney Bill Ingraham in March—make it clear that something has to be done to combat the problem.

At press time, officials said that while it seemed unlikely there would be anything worth salvaging, any real efforts to comb through the wreckage would have to wait until morning because Finucane had gone inside to watch NCIS: Los Angeles.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close