Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Area Man Self-Conscious About All The Wrong Things

MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the complet...

Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

BELLEVILLE, MO—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind.

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound


COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c...

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.

Area Man Doesn't Look Jewish

ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"

Area Man Settled For

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in next Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.
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Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying they found themselves shocked, appalled, and yet unable to look away, hundreds of passersby stopped to view the horrible wreckage of 34-year-old local resident Tim Finucane on Tuesday.

Cordoning off a 50-foot area of debris in a beer-can-strewn yard, law-enforcement officials confirmed they found the crushed, broken-down ruin of a man sitting on his front porch and staring blankly into the distance, but would not speculate as to what led to the disastrous scene.

"We haven't been able to determine what could have caused the devastating impact that must have taken place here," said Sgt. James Hodges of the Tallahassee Police Department, standing a few yards away from the chain-smoking wreck. "All we know is that a white male in his mid-30s lost control of his life and, after a series of wrong turns, completely fell apart, coming to a stop where you see him now."

"In my 22 years on the force, I've never seen anything so heart-wrenching," Hodges continued. "Those sad, dull eyes of his—the whole scene is too terrible for words."

Phillip Reiss, a local electrician watching from behind the police barricade, was one of many in the growing crowd who said he felt deeply disturbed but strangely entranced by the human wreckage.

"I can't take my eyes away from it," Reiss said. "It's this feeling of wanting to do something, but feeling completely helpless. I mean, look at him. Is there even anything that can be done to rebuild his life at this point, or do you just try to make him as comfortable as possible?"

Among the hundreds who stood gaping at the shattered man, several told reporters their hearts went out to those who had lost so much in the tragedy. By Tuesday evening, a makeshift memorial of flowers and notes bearing words of sympathy had already been erected in tribute to Finucane's ex-wife, who had so many years of her life stolen from her as a result of the walking tragedy.

"I can't stop thinking about his poor kids," said 53-year-old schoolteacher Robin Mayer, referring to the three as-yet unidentified children scarred for life by the catastrophic ordeal. "It's just so sad to think that they'll never have a normal childhood and will always have to live with this."

"At least on alternate weekends," Mayer added.

Some residents expressed dismay with the assembled onlookers, pleading with the crowd to let Finucane keep whatever dignity he had left and to move aside so someone could "at least come in and clean him up."

Others, including public safety advocate Ted Moura, questioned whether the wreck could have been prevented. Moura claimed that Finucane's increasing dilapidation over the years should have tipped off community officials.

"This was a disaster of a human being waiting to happen," Moura told reporters. "There were plenty of warning signs that he just couldn't bear that kind of weight and stress, and yet no one did anything about it. And now we all have to deal with the aftermath."

Moura added that the sheer number of similar incidences that have occurred in the past year on the same stretch of road where Finucane was discovered—most recently, the massive burnout of 31-year-old attorney Bill Ingraham in March—make it clear that something has to be done to combat the problem.

At press time, officials said that while it seemed unlikely there would be anything worth salvaging, any real efforts to comb through the wreckage would have to wait until morning because Finucane had gone inside to watch NCIS: Los Angeles.

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