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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Hundreds Of People Who Will Die Before Christmas Really Excited For Holiday Season

WORLDWIDE—With just days remaining until Christmas, sources reported that excitement for the holiday has reached a fever pitch for hundreds of people who will not live to observe it. "I love Christmas; I can’t wait to go home, see my family, and wrap presents," said Yonkers, NY contractor Paul Gatlick, 34, who will die in a car wreck this Friday, and who echoed the thoughts of hundreds who will die during the next two weeks from heart attacks, terminal diseases, old age, and freak accidents. "This is going to be a holiday season I’ll never forget!” Sources also reported that millions of people who dread Christmas with a passion will unfortunately have to live through every last second of it.

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