Hundreds Of People Who Will Die Before Christmas Really Excited For Holiday Season

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Vol 48 Issue 50

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

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Hundreds Of People Who Will Die Before Christmas Really Excited For Holiday Season

WORLDWIDE—With just days remaining until Christmas, sources reported that excitement for the holiday has reached a fever pitch for hundreds of people who will not live to observe it. "I love Christmas; I can’t wait to go home, see my family, and wrap presents," said Yonkers, NY contractor Paul Gatlick, 34, who will die in a car wreck this Friday, and who echoed the thoughts of hundreds who will die during the next two weeks from heart attacks, terminal diseases, old age, and freak accidents. "This is going to be a holiday season I’ll never forget!” Sources also reported that millions of people who dread Christmas with a passion will unfortunately have to live through every last second of it.

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