Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night

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Vol 40 Issue 07

Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Xu Shui Xian Liang, a founding member of the Autonomous Federation of Beijing's Workers in Tiananmen Square who spent 12 years in a labor camp for his involvement in the anti-dictatorship effort during the Cultural Revolution, is ready with your order. "That's one chipotle chicken-filet sandwich, two large regular salads—tofu bacon on one, a white-chicken-chili soup, and three low-fat blondies," said the former leader of the students' movement in the Guang Tong province. "Would you like your receipt?" Xu, who was tortured into confessing to stealing state assets in collusion with organized crime shortly before he defected to the U.S. in 1999, is sorry, he will be right back with that Diet Coke.

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no.

Teen Responsible For All Six Items In Clarksburg Police Blotter

CLARKSBURG, WV—According to sources at the Clarksburg Telegram, troubled youth Danny Nathum, 17, is responsible for all six items on Monday's police blotter. "We had two disorderly-conduct reports, three counts of vandalism, and one DUI arrest," Telegram assistant editor Jesse Sutton said. "Looks like Mr. Nathum had himself one heck of a busy weekend." Clarksburg, population 16,743, last experienced an all-Nathum crime spree in December, when the teen stole a bicycle, burned down a barn, and punched Old Man Herman.

Specifics Of Hostile Takeover Fiercely Boring

NEW YORK—Details of a "hostile" bid by software manufacturer Octagon Corporation are, in fact, fiercely, mind-numbingly dull, sources reported Tuesday. "Following the SoftWave International board of directors' rejection of Octagon's unsolicited offer, Octagon essentially eliminated SoftWave as an entity by purchasing 300,000 shares at $453.35—$134.34 more than the current market value," financial analyst Bryan Falwick said, droning on endlessly about the supposedly thrilling upset. "Everyone was shocked when Octagon swooped in and nabbed controlling interest." Falwick said he assumed that the forthcoming rollout of the XSpreadsheet software suite motivated the "raid."

William Katt Programs Own Name Into TiVo

LOS ANGELES—Sources close to William Katt said Monday that the Greatest American Hero star has his own name programmed into his TiVo digital video recorder. "Bill gets really excited when he comes home and finds one of his 7th Heaven episodes or sees that he's caught House IV on Cinemax," friend Ray Morris said. "Maybe he does it so he knows to watch for a residual check." Morris said Katt also frequently scans his listing on the Internet Movie Database for errors.

I'll Tell You What I'd Do If I Were Gay

A guy from work introduced me to his boyfriend this week. He seemed pretty nice, but it was weird, because he didn't look gay at all. He was a computer programmer and looked like any fat, balding slob you'd run into on the street. I have to say, I would never let myself go like that if I were gay.

Identity Theft Safeguards

Identity theft is a growing problem in America. What does the Federal Trade Commission suggest consumers do to protect themselves?
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Hungover Couple Unaware They Broke Up Last Night

MINNEAPOLIS—Area couple Gene Hayter and Amy Peterman spent most of Sunday tenderly helping each other nurse massive hangovers, unaware that they broke up in a bitter, alcohol-fueled rage during the night.

Hayter with his former ex-girlfriend Peterman.

"Man, we must've really tore it up, that's all I can say," Hayter said, his voice raw from Jack Daniel's, cigarettes, and, unbeknownst to him, shrieked accusations of infidelity. "I woke up on Amy's couch, of all places, with a beer bottle in my hand and this terrible feeling, like I wanted to cry myself to death. To top things off, when I pulled myself up to go crawl into bed with Amy, I stepped in broken glass."

Hayter said that either he or Peterman, whom he started dating in August 2001, must have drunkenly knocked a framed photo of the couple off the coffee table and smashed it all over the bedroom floor.

"It's too bad, too, because Ames and I have always considered that particular photo symbolic of our relationship," Hayter said. "I tell you, I must've had a great time last night. I just hope it was worth hosting this fucking hammer party in my skull."

Peterman did not remember anything of the breakup, either. Carefully stepping around the piles of debris in the apartment, she attended to her nausea and rubbed an abrasion on her finger where she had yanked off her promise ring in anger.

"Oh, my poor head," Peterman said. "I would've liked to have slept off my hangover, but my friend Nora called me at the crack of dawn. She wanted to know if I was 'okay,' and if I knew where Gene was. She kept asking me if I needed to talk. I was, like, 'No, I don't want to talk. My head is killing me.'"

"She was kinda weirding me out, actually," Peterman added. "Gene says she was probably still drunk."

The couple spent the morning staggering around the apartment, surveying the damage.

Hayter cleans up a framed photo that must have fallen the previous evening.

"Why are all of Gene's clothes piled in the middle of the room like that, and what's that smell?" Peterman asked, unaware that she had heaped his clothes on the floor and doused them in lighter fluid. "Did he spill vodka on them or something? God, I feel like shit."

Patting each other tenderly and engaging in other forms of non-verbal communication that revealed years of familiarity, the affectionate couple was nothing like the screaming drunks who had spent an hour the night before hashing out their sexual-incompatibility issues in front of a group of mutual friends at their neighborhood bar.

"I stopped by expecting to find Amy distraught over the breakup," Peterman's childhood friend Mary Swaney said. "But I walked in and found her and Gene cuddling under a blanket and watching Law & Order. Gene didn't seem to even realize that he had a black eye, let alone who gave it to him."

"Gene called to say they wouldn't be meeting the gang for brunch, and I was thinking, 'No duh,'" said Hayter's best friend Jack McVeigh, who had spent 90 minutes the previous night talking Hayter out of heading to the airport and boarding a plane to the mountains. "But when he said he and 'Ames' were just going to eat cinnamon toast and listen to records, I realized they wanted to spend the day making up."

"I don't know how to tell him I have his Swiss Army knife," McVeigh added. "I took it off his key ring last night, because I wasn't 100 percent sure he could be trusted with it."

As of press time, neither Hayter nor Peterman exhibited the slightest recollection of the emotional content of the drinking binge.

"I'm glad I have you, Amy," Hayter said, cuddling closer to Peterman underneath the very blanket he had used to deflect her blows the night before. "I just want to hide from the loud, demanding world and snuggle for the rest of the day."

"Me, too," Peterman said, as she bemusedly extracted a letter opener from between the couch cushions. "We can check and see what those 14 answering-machine messages are all about after we're feeling better."

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