adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Hungover Michelle Obama Packs Leftover Inaugural Ball Hors D'oeuvres Into Sasha’s Lunch Box

WASHINGTON—Shielding her eyes from the harsh light as she shuffled into her kitchen Tuesday morning, a visibly hungover Michelle Obama reportedly readied her daughter Sasha for school by packing her a lunch box of leftover hors d’oeuvres from the previous night’s Inaugural Ball. “Here you go, honey, have a nice day,” the First Lady said while arranging an assortment of sorrel-wrapped goat cheese, duck confit, oysters a la poulette and other canapés into an insulated lunch pack. “Be good.” At press time, sources reported that while Sasha Obama appreciated the variety of foods, she herself was too hungover to eat.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close