UNITED NATIONS—Jared-27, a hunter-soldier from the year 2189, addressed the United Nations Monday in an attempt to prevent enslavement, torture and forced breeding at the hands of digital pets from becoming "the human race's destiny."
"In my time, the cyber-mechanical beings you call 'Tamagotchi' rule the Earth," Jared-27 told U.N. delegates during a special meeting of the General Assembly. "The future is a charred hellscape of ruined machinery, crumbling buildings and constant rain. Unless you act, awaiting you is a world where humans exist only to press the food and pleasure keys of their digital-pet masters, while resistance fighters like myself huddle for warmth in subterranean warrens. You cannot possibly imagine what it is like."
The enigmatic hunter from the future then showed the delegates a grainy, out-of-focus digital photo of what he claimed was a City-Destroyer-Class Tamagotchi Dreadnought hovering over the blasted ruins of Los Angeles.
According to FBI officials, Jared-27 first appeared at approximately 3 p.m. Friday in the parking lot of a Garden City, NY, Toys 'R' Us store, materializing in a pulsating spiral of blinding white light. Within 30 minutes, he was arrested by police, who found him inside the toy store attempting to vaporize a display of Bandai-brand digital pets with his plasmic inducer.
Despite Jared-27's claims, officials at Bandai, the world leader in digital-pet technology, insist that their product is made in accordance with the strictest possible safety standards and poses "no threat whatsoever, either to children ages four and under or to the human race."
"Bandai's mission for the '90s is to create the finest hand-held electronic life simulators anywhere," said Walter Yow, head of the U.S. division of the Japanese toy giant. "As far as I am aware, this company has no plans to create a hunter-killer digital pet at this time, nor could I comment on any possible link we might have with any secret military project."
Jared-27 denounced Yow and his fellow Bandai employees as "traitors to humanity."
"I was born a slave in the Tamagotchi breeding vats, the artificially inseminated son of unknown parents, a breeding pair doubtless chosen for their skills at tending to their digital-pet masters," Jared-27 said. "All my life I pressed the pleasure and food buttons of the very warrior drone caste Tamagotchi whose mission it was to exterminate all free-humans. The lucky among us died. I escaped to join the resistance."
The time-traveling warrior said he represents humanity's final hope, as the machine in which he journeyed back to 1997 had been destroyed by assassin units just as he was making the temporal quasi-transition.
"I had hoped to return to 1992 to assassinate the future inventors of these murderous deathbots, but in the chaos of battle, I miscalculated the time gradient," he said. "There will not be another emissary. We must act on the one chance we have left: You must destroy your digital pets now, before you learn the true meaning of master."
Though he would not reveal too much of the earth's future for fear of altering history and causing irreparable damage to the space-time continuum, Jared-27 strongly advised the destruction of the cable monopoly and the Nintendo Corporation. He also urged President Clinton to invest "everything you've got" into research on the George Foreman Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine.