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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced today he was dropping out of the race, and, citing his good character, foreign policy experience, and overall pragmatic approach, officially endorsed former Utah governor Jon Huntsman for president. "Unfortunately, our campaign never quite built up the traction it needed, but my goal now is to nominate a Republican who will conduct a campaign based on civility, humanity, and respect—a Republican who won't talk down to people, but will present a healthy conservative alternative to Barack Obama. That man is Jon Huntsman," Huntsman told reporters. "During my time on the trail, I have been impressed not only by Huntsman's ability to stay above the fray, but by his commitment to having a genuine conversation about the direction of this country. He has my full support." Political analysts said they expect Huntsman's endorsement to have little effect on the race, as Huntsman's backers are far too small in number to actually help Huntsman.

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