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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

'These People Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Me,' Says Candidate

SALT LAKE CITY—With a recent Gallup poll indicating only 2 percent of his party supports his candidacy for president, Jon Huntsman confided to staffers Tuesday that he was secretly relieved to be faring so poorly among the die-hard GOP base. "When I saw the numbers and realized Republicans weren't embracing my message, I breathed easily for the first time in months," the former Utah governor and ambassador to China said. "They're terrifying. We're talking about people who blame the unemployed for their own predicament and literally applaud the idea of letting those who don't have health insurance die. What would it say about me if they gravitated toward me personally or approved of my political principles?" Huntsman added that it was a huge weight off his shoulders when Herman Cain surged ahead of him in the polls, noting that it could easily have been him.

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