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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Hurricane Gives Holed-Up Couple Great Chance To Have All Those Fights They've Been Avoiding

NEW YORK—Holed up in their apartment while Hurricane Sandy continues its path up the East Coast, local couple Tim Zucchino, 29, and Helen Powell, 27, told reporters today they were glad to finally get a chance to have all those bitter and tense arguments they’ve been avoiding for the past few months. “Now that Tim and I are trapped alone in our small one-bedroom apartment for God knows how long, we’ll definitely take this opportunity to have some of those big fights about our communication issues we’ve been putting off,” said Powell, sitting next to a nodding Zucchino, who added that he was looking forward to “making that petty comment about Helen’s compulsive tidiness that [he] didn’t get around to last week.” “Sometimes, we both get so caught up in work we just have no energy for our usual screaming matches over whose fault it is that we never spend any time together. But now we literally have days to sit on a couch and wallow in anger and sexual frustration.” At press time, Zucchino and Powell told reporters they really hoped the power would be knocked out soon so they could start fighting about who forgot to purchase flashlight batteries.

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