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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Hurricane Gives Holed-Up Couple Great Chance To Have All Those Fights They've Been Avoiding

NEW YORK—Holed up in their apartment while Hurricane Sandy continues its path up the East Coast, local couple Tim Zucchino, 29, and Helen Powell, 27, told reporters today they were glad to finally get a chance to have all those bitter and tense arguments they’ve been avoiding for the past few months. “Now that Tim and I are trapped alone in our small one-bedroom apartment for God knows how long, we’ll definitely take this opportunity to have some of those big fights about our communication issues we’ve been putting off,” said Powell, sitting next to a nodding Zucchino, who added that he was looking forward to “making that petty comment about Helen’s compulsive tidiness that [he] didn’t get around to last week.” “Sometimes, we both get so caught up in work we just have no energy for our usual screaming matches over whose fault it is that we never spend any time together. But now we literally have days to sit on a couch and wallow in anger and sexual frustration.” At press time, Zucchino and Powell told reporters they really hoped the power would be knocked out soon so they could start fighting about who forgot to purchase flashlight batteries.

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