Hurricane Katrina Returns To New Orleans To Apologize

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Hurricane Katrina Returns To New Orleans To Apologize

The Category 4 hurricane had a hard time getting its point across about how remorseful it really was.
The Category 4 hurricane had a hard time getting its point across about how remorseful it really was.

NEW ORLEANS—After a three-year absence spent wallowing in guilt for killing several hundred Louisiana residents and leaving the city in shambles, Hurricane Katrina returned to New Orleans Tuesday to beg the Crescent City for forgiveness, destroying everything in its path and killing hundreds.

"I've had a long time to think about what I've done to you all, and I realize now that it was wrong," Hurricane Katrina reportedly told residents. "I knew I shouldn't have been coming in so fast, but I guess I didn't know my own strength. A lot of people have blamed the levees, but if I'm truly honest, I knew they wouldn't hold. It was stupid of me, and for that, I apologize."

"Can you ever forgive me?" continued Hurricane Katrina, wiping out the city's electrical grid with its devastating force.

According to witnesses, the extremely remorseful 120-mile-wide storm was initially sighted off the Louisiana coast nervously rotating in circles and emitting long sighs that reached 115 mph. After several abandoned attempts to head inland, Hurricane Katrina reportedly gained enough strength and confidence to journey to the center of New Orleans to deliver a statement acknowledging its shame.

By this time, however, the catastrophic power of Hurricane Katrina's bumbling apology was too much for the barely repaired levees, which shattered before the storm could even begin enumerating its many regrets. The crestfallen weather system then lurched across the city, inadvertently overturning cars, ripping the roofs off of homes, and violently snapping the neck of every resident it attempted to hug. Upon finally recognizing the destruction it was causing after it demolished a nearby church, Hurricane Katrina attempted to help rebuild the flattened structure, only to have it repeatedly collapse, killing everyone inside.

"Oh, not again. I'm such a klutz," said the hurricane, accidentally razing an entire block of the historic French Quarter as it nervously backed away from the church rubble it had swept into a pile. "Sorry! Sorry, guys."

Sources confirmed that, in addition to making the heartfelt, impassioned apology, Hurricane Katrina expressed hope that it and the people of New Orleans could continue to work on their relationship and possibly one day become friends.

"Please don't run away," said Hurricane Katrina, addressing residents fleeing from a press conference in the now destroyed Superdome. "It's not what you think. I'm not here to hurt you. Oh, jeez. Don't blow away!"

Despite delivering a disastrous "practice apology" to the people of Cuba a day earlier, the hurricane said it felt compelled to speak to the citizens of New Orleans in person, rather than mailing a card or sending good friend Hurricane Rita to do the apologizing.

"I want people to look me right in the eye and know that I'm very sorry for what I've done." Hurricane Katrina said. "And for that. Oops, and that as well."

As a peace offering, Hurricane Katrina reportedly brought an oil tanker to give to the people of New Orleans. But after the screams had subsided and no one came forth to receive the 10,000-ton gift, the storm left the cargo ship in the middle of the highway "in case anyone wants it later."

According to a poll of evacuees, while a minority of those surviving the hurricane's return visit say they believe the storm is truly sorry for what it has done, 60 percent believe the effort was too little too late, another 25 percent believe it will take more than just words to undo the damage, and the remaining 15 percent are missing or in critical condition.

"To be honest, I never thought I'd see Katrina again," resident Tom Andrews said while clinging to a piece of driftwood in the floodwaters. "I sort of wish it had stayed away. At this point, it's only making things worse."

Though the hurricane admitted the apology was not received nearly as well as expected, the cataclysmic weather event remains convinced that its upcoming visit to the poor people by the waterfront will go more smoothly.

"They'll accept me, I just know they will," said Hurricane Katrina, adding that it also wanted to track down all the small children it displaced in 2005 to see how they have grown. "Those people have been put through so much, I'm sure they'll understand."

Hurricane Katrina was last seen wandering off toward the Gulf of Mexico, mumbling something about coming back later to see how the city looks once everyone is done rebuilding.