Hurricane Safety Tips

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Vol 34 Issue 05

Paramount Pictures Proudly Shelves Latest Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly realized film to the Paramount studio archives," read a press release for the film, not coming to theaters any time soon. "Based upon the mid-'60s TV show, this $45 million bad film was intended to capitalize upon the nostalgic appeal of the series, but became bogged down in rewrites and production delays, only to end up as an unwatchable career-ender." The press release also described the casting of actor Larry Hagman in the role of Grandpa Munster as "a stupid, stupid move."

Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.

Russia Renamed 'Batshitzania'

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday to rename the crumbling former superpower "Batshitzania." "We felt a new name was in order to suit our new identity," said acting Batshitzanian prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, standing atop a burning Kremlin. "Citizens are frantically trying to get rid of their worthless rubles, our nuclear weapons are sitting unguarded in abandoned silos, and the mentally unstable Boris Yeltsin, who is scheduled to undergo octuple-bypass surgery next week, refuses to step down. Basically, everything's going bat-shit zany over here." Other names considered for the collapsing nation include Kabloomia, Dystopskia and Hell.

Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty, I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.
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Hurricane Safety Tips

Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm:

Hurricane Safety Tips

  • Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier.
  • Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
  • At first signs of hurricane weather, rush to Food Lion to stock up on 64-ounce containers of Ocean Spray Cranapple or Crangrape juice, just $2.79 when you present your Food Lion Supersaver card.
  • At the exact center of a hurricane is an "eye" of utter tranquility. Use this safety zone as a launch window for your mission to rescue stranded astronaut Gene Hackman.
  • To protect yourself from storm, build up your inner defense mechanisms by slowly retreating into state of deep denial.
  • No matter how bad hurricane gets, don't let Mr. Government Man make you leave your house.
  • Stay on top of situation by keeping tuned to Channel 8's SuperAtmoForecastTeam with live Doppler Radar.
  • Detonating homemade bombs fashioned from gasoline and manure is dangerous even in ideal weather conditions. Steer especially clear of such detonations throughout the duration of hurricane.
  • Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die."
  • Save urine in jars.
  • To minimize risk of hurricane damage, avoid building vacation home atop ocean.
  • Blood sacrifices have been known to appease the angry monsoon gods. If goats and chickens do not suffice, capture one of the White-Men-Who-Speak-Of-Jesus from the missionary school and dispatch him to the sky-realm of Urguta.
  • Before evacuating home, coat walls and possessions with adhesive glue. Afterwards, everything will be blown into one easy-to-collect lump.
  • At the height of the storm's intensity, go at it with your spouse like there's no tomorrow. Not only is it the thrill of a lifetime, but the heightened reflexes caused by your enhanced physical state will better enable both of you to survive in the event of a sudden catastrophic, explosive decompression of your home.
  • Whatever happens, remember: It's not your fault.

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