Hurricane Safety Tips

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Hurricane Safety Tips

Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm:

Hurricane Safety Tips

  • Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier.
  • Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
  • At first signs of hurricane weather, rush to Food Lion to stock up on 64-ounce containers of Ocean Spray Cranapple or Crangrape juice, just $2.79 when you present your Food Lion Supersaver card.
  • At the exact center of a hurricane is an "eye" of utter tranquility. Use this safety zone as a launch window for your mission to rescue stranded astronaut Gene Hackman.
  • To protect yourself from storm, build up your inner defense mechanisms by slowly retreating into state of deep denial.
  • No matter how bad hurricane gets, don't let Mr. Government Man make you leave your house.
  • Stay on top of situation by keeping tuned to Channel 8's SuperAtmoForecastTeam with live Doppler Radar.
  • Detonating homemade bombs fashioned from gasoline and manure is dangerous even in ideal weather conditions. Steer especially clear of such detonations throughout the duration of hurricane.
  • Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die."
  • Save urine in jars.
  • To minimize risk of hurricane damage, avoid building vacation home atop ocean.
  • Blood sacrifices have been known to appease the angry monsoon gods. If goats and chickens do not suffice, capture one of the White-Men-Who-Speak-Of-Jesus from the missionary school and dispatch him to the sky-realm of Urguta.
  • Before evacuating home, coat walls and possessions with adhesive glue. Afterwards, everything will be blown into one easy-to-collect lump.
  • At the height of the storm's intensity, go at it with your spouse like there's no tomorrow. Not only is it the thrill of a lifetime, but the heightened reflexes caused by your enhanced physical state will better enable both of you to survive in the event of a sudden catastrophic, explosive decompression of your home.
  • Whatever happens, remember: It's not your fault.