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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
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Hurricane Safety Tips

Hurricane season is upon us. Here are some tips to help protect you and your loved ones in the event of such a storm:

Hurricane Safety Tips

  • Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier.
  • Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
  • At first signs of hurricane weather, rush to Food Lion to stock up on 64-ounce containers of Ocean Spray Cranapple or Crangrape juice, just $2.79 when you present your Food Lion Supersaver card.
  • At the exact center of a hurricane is an "eye" of utter tranquility. Use this safety zone as a launch window for your mission to rescue stranded astronaut Gene Hackman.
  • To protect yourself from storm, build up your inner defense mechanisms by slowly retreating into state of deep denial.
  • No matter how bad hurricane gets, don't let Mr. Government Man make you leave your house.
  • Stay on top of situation by keeping tuned to Channel 8's SuperAtmoForecastTeam with live Doppler Radar.
  • Detonating homemade bombs fashioned from gasoline and manure is dangerous even in ideal weather conditions. Steer especially clear of such detonations throughout the duration of hurricane.
  • Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die."
  • Save urine in jars.
  • To minimize risk of hurricane damage, avoid building vacation home atop ocean.
  • Blood sacrifices have been known to appease the angry monsoon gods. If goats and chickens do not suffice, capture one of the White-Men-Who-Speak-Of-Jesus from the missionary school and dispatch him to the sky-realm of Urguta.
  • Before evacuating home, coat walls and possessions with adhesive glue. Afterwards, everything will be blown into one easy-to-collect lump.
  • At the height of the storm's intensity, go at it with your spouse like there's no tomorrow. Not only is it the thrill of a lifetime, but the heightened reflexes caused by your enhanced physical state will better enable both of you to survive in the event of a sudden catastrophic, explosive decompression of your home.
  • Whatever happens, remember: It's not your fault.

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