MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Hurricane Sandy Victims Receive Roethlisberger’s Sexually Disturbing Thoughts And Prayers

NEW YORK—Hurricane Sandy victims reportedly received the sexually disturbing thoughts and prayers of Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger this week when the two-time Super Bowl champion sent out his incredibly depraved hopes that East Coast residents were safe and ready for throbbing hard cock.

According to numerous reports from the battered region, Roethlisberger offered his warped thoughts and sordid prayers to those still reeling from the devastating storm, imploring God to keep the victims out of harm’s way and so fucking wet that he could effortlessly slosh around inside their gaping hot love holes.

“At first, I was happy to hear he was praying for us, but now I’m not so sure,” said Breezy Point, Queens, resident Cheryl Mitchell, who lost her home in one of the worst residential blazes since the establishment of New York City’s fire department in 1865. “His prayers are bizarre. He was praying for my house to be rebuilt, but also that he and I would be alone in a bathroom together so he could bend me over and relentlessly pound me from behind while slapping my ass cheeks.”

“I appreciate his acknowledging that the storm has disrupted our lives,” Mitchell added. “But it makes me queasy to know he’s constantly thinking about me in such a sick and twisted way.”

As thousands continue the arduous task of cleaning up wreckage from the cataclysmic storm, New York and New Jersey residents confirmed they were taking little solace in Roethlisberger’s raunchy words of encouragement to guzzle down every last drop of baby batter from his schlong.

From Long Island to the Jersey Shore, large swaths of the region admitted they were creeped out by the quarterback’s sleazy support for a swift recovery and heartfelt but disgusting sympathy for any snatch, slit, twat, or cooter that might be going hungry for his cum.

“Frankly, I don’t really feel all that comfortable about Roethlisberger trying to boost our morale by offering to do whatever he can to get us off,” said Evelyn Friedman, a native of Brick Township, New Jersey. “And I’m not sure I want God to answer his nasty prayers to restore electricity so he can see my face when he ejaculates all over it.”

“I definitely never needed to hear that he would do whatever it takes to maintain an erection and share load after load of steaming jizz,” Friedman continued.

Keith Galvan, a resident of lower Manhattan, agreed that Roethlisberger’s warped faith and deeply fucked-up spiritual communication was troubling. “He has all these debauched thoughts and prayers about getting fucked in a flooded basement, draining all the water, and then getting sucked off in the corner,” Galvan said. “Ben mostly seems to be praying for a lot of weird stuff to happen to him like five people tonguing his asshole at the same time.”

“I’d rather lose every single thing I own all over again or be swept into the Atlantic Ocean by a hurricane than be a part of that degenerate’s perverted compassion,” Galvan added.

At press time, every single East Coast resident was rubbing a bar of soap against his or her skin in a futile attempt to remove the residue left behind by Roethlisberger’s filthy thoughts and prayers.

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