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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Hurriphoonado Cuts Swath Of Destruction Across Eastern, Western Hemispheres

Claire drowns the western, eastern, northern, and southern seaboards, valleys, and metropolitan areas.
Claire drowns the western, eastern, northern, and southern seaboards, valleys, and metropolitan areas.

WASHINGTON—In what many are calling the most devastating natural disaster of 2008, a massive hurriphoonado touched down in Southeast Asia this summer, upending countless homes and drowning thousands before picking up speed and also ravaging the other six continents.

A storm system characterized by high winds, torrential rain, lightning, fist-sized hail, massive tidal waves, low barometric pressure, and six separate cyclonic eyes, the first-recorded hurriphoonado caused billions of dollars in property loss along the coast of China in early June. From there, meteorologists said, the weather system traveled inland, covering most of Asia Minor, where it sparked a series of even more destructive earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, monsoons, and landslides.

"The scope of Hurriphoonado Claire was unprecedented," said Mark Mancuso, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service, who classified the hybrid storm as an F4 tornado, Category 5 hurricane, and Level 7 redemptive act of God. "By the time it surged through the Middle East in late August, there was little anyone could do but pray."

"If only we'd evacuated all of Eastern and Western Europe in time," Mancuso added. "And Northern Africa."

According to a handful of survivors in the Bahamas and what was once the island of Saint Kitts, the Hurriphoonado continued to gather strength as it traveled across the Atlantic Ocean, swelling in size, producing a number of catastrophic tsunamis, and, in early September, sucking up sharks from the warm Caribbean waters and heaving them onto unsuspecting residents in Nicaragua.

"It's difficult to make sense of what occurred in Nicaragua as most of our weather satellites were pulled back down to Earth by the sheer force of the Hurriphoonado," Mancuso continued. "However, we do know that the impact of those satellites into the Gulf of Mexico did not help matters."

Experts were not able to measure Hurriphoonado Claire's true strength until it made landfall in Florida Oct. 5. Barreling through Georgia and Alabama over the next two days, the storm dropped 15 feet of snow on Tennessee, opened a mile-wide chasm in Missouri, and then doubled back and obliterated much of southern Texas. It then returned to Florida to flood its remaining four cities.

After igniting hundreds of wildfires in California, the Hurriphoonado reportedly made its way out to the Pacific Ocean, where it finally slowed down and broke into four separate storms, which then ravaged Oregon, a coastal state located 25 miles from Hawaii.

Despite the utter devastation, many Americans said they weren't going to let "just any little Hurriphoonado" change their way of life.

"It's going to take more than the complete destruction of our planet to make me pack up my belongings and leave my home behind," said West Virginia resident and mother of three Margaret Baker. "Now, if you don't mind, where exactly am I?"

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