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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Husband Calls For Greater Separation Of Church And Mate

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Citing a disruptive influence on the everyday operation of the Touhy home, Dennis Touhy called Monday for greater separation of New Hope Tabernacle Church and Connie, his mate of 14 years. "It is wholly inappropriate for my wife to become involved in so many church activities at the expense of her role as my mate," Touhy said. "As the first article of our prenuptial agreement clearly states, 'Connie shall not spend every second of her spare time attending choir practices, planning the annual fundraising bazaar and involving herself in other such church activities.' That article has clearly been violated."

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