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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage

BAR HARBOR, ME—Saying that he has reached a point in his married life where he’s ready to “shake things up a little,” local husband Aaron Elsburg told reporters Monday that he has decided to pursue an open marriage. “Claire and I have been together a long time now, and I think a great way for us to show our love and trust for each other would be for me to start seeing other women,” said the 34-year-old Elsburg, adding that “a lot of people do this and say it works wonders for their marriage.” “I just figure we’ll try having me sleep around, see how it goes, and then evaluate how we’re doing in a couple of months. Ultimately, I’m hoping that my having sex with other people will make me feel closer to Claire.” Reached for comment, Elburg’s wife shrugged, explaining that she herself had been carrying on an open marriage for the past five years.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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