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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage

BAR HARBOR, ME—Saying that he has reached a point in his married life where he’s ready to “shake things up a little,” local husband Aaron Elsburg told reporters Monday that he has decided to pursue an open marriage. “Claire and I have been together a long time now, and I think a great way for us to show our love and trust for each other would be for me to start seeing other women,” said the 34-year-old Elsburg, adding that “a lot of people do this and say it works wonders for their marriage.” “I just figure we’ll try having me sleep around, see how it goes, and then evaluate how we’re doing in a couple of months. Ultimately, I’m hoping that my having sex with other people will make me feel closer to Claire.” Reached for comment, Elburg’s wife shrugged, explaining that she herself had been carrying on an open marriage for the past five years.

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