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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance.

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