Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat

Top Headlines

Local

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

Fantasy Sports

Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat

Schneider and the woman who would have almost certainly left him had he not failed at infidelity.
Schneider and the woman who would have almost certainly left him had he not failed at infidelity.

SARASOTA, FL—Through the ups and downs of raising four children, years of financial hardship, and all the stresses and turmoil of daily life, claims adjuster Arnold Schneider has stayed true to his wife of 42 years, despite his most determined efforts to engage in sexual intercourse outside of wedlock.

"I could never be unfaithful to Helen," said the 63-year-old Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations with dozens of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and random strangers. "Sure, there have been some tough times, and we all have moments of doubt, but Helen is the woman I love."

Added the man who has attempted to trade his wife in for the first willing female participant hundreds of times over, "Even I'm amazed by that sometimes."

According to sources close to the couple, Schneider has remained grudgingly loyal and devoted to his wife from the very beginning, failing time and again to cheat on his unsuspecting bride during their honeymoon together in Acapulco.

"I'll never forget Mexico—the beaches, the stars, the amazing food and people," said Schneider, who, as his new wife lay sound asleep in bed, would routinely sneak out of their hotel room and try in vain to hit on the young cocktail waitress tending bar downstairs. "It was perfect. Pretty much almost perfect."

Over the next decade, Schneider remained faithful to his wife by default, repeatedly coming up short during his regular jaunts to singles clubs, at neighborhood key parties, and through the general freewheeling sexual bacchanalia of the 1970s.

"It was a crazy time and a lot of my friends didn't think twice when it came to breaking the sacred bonds of marriage," said Schneider, who despite throwing himself at any available woman in his presence, completely failed to capitalize on his adulterous tendencies. "But not me. No sir."

"Not even once," Schneider added with a heavy sigh.

Despite being left with no choice but to stay committed to his marriage, the reluctant husband and father admitted that being loyal wasn't always so easy. With a growing family and increased tension at work, Schneider said there were times when he could have taken comfort in the arms of another.

"Yes, there were moments when I found myself on the verge of the unthinkable," said Schneider, who once drove 300 miles to meet an old girlfriend from high school, only to be flatly rejected by the woman and have coffee thrown in his face. "Still, for one reason or another, I just couldn't go through with it. And when it was all over, I could look myself in the mirror and say, 'Forty-two years, and you've never been with anyone besides your wife.' Forty-two goddamn years."

Schneider acknowledged that even in less troubling times he occasionally felt restless after four decades with the same partner. But whether he was being stood up by the woman who answered his personal ad, or unsuccessfully attempting to persuade his wife's more attractive sister to visit a clothing-optional spa, Schneider said that what mattered most was that he never once wavered.

"Heck, I've got eyes, and I'll notice a pretty face just like anyone else," said Schneider, who at press time was still hoping to hear from a pancake house waitress he had given his business card to three weeks earlier. "But what can I say? There's an ultimate line Arnold Schneider just can't cross. I'm not even sure I'd know how, to tell you the truth."

For her part, Helen Schneider said she had no doubt that, through it all, her husband has always been faithful.

"Maybe I'm naïve," Helen said, "but I've known this man most of my life, and I just can't imagine him cheating on me. Honestly, Arnie's my little saint."