Husband, Wife Have Conflicting Ideas About What Constitutes Healthy Sex Life

In This Section

Vol 37 Issue 36

Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself

LARGE FIELD EAST OF WATER—Watching a shapely female grasshopper pass by, area grasshopper 44-3541-M told a fellow male Monday that he is "a definite thorax man." "Don't get me wrong, I love a good abdomen," 44-3541-M said. "But a nice, shiny mesothorax? Right where the wings connect? Oh, man, you can't beat that." 44-3541-M added that he'd let 97-94732-F, an attractive female praying mantis from a nearby elm tree, devour his head anytime.

Screaming Japanese Schoolgirls Overturn Greenspan's Bus

TOKYO—Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan described himself as "shaken but all right" Monday following an incident in which several thousand excited young Japanese fans mobbed and tipped over his tour bus after a speech at the Tokyo Dome. "Mr. Greenspan is at the height of his popularity in Japan right now," said Martine Engers, a publicist for the chairman, who is currently in the midst of a 41-city world tour. "And I guess we simply weren't prepared for this level of fan hysteria." Before military police restored order, thousands of frantically speculating youths drove the Nikkei average past 16,000.

Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos

CINCINNATI—With sales flagging since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the Dildo Manufacturers Association made an appeal to Americans' sense of patriotism Monday, urging citizens to help the U.S. economy and the nation's dildo industry by purchasing the sex toys. "Like so many industries, we have been hit hard by recent events," DMA spokesman Richard Grantham said. "But the best way we can show Osama bin Laden our resolve is for all of us to get back out there and buy dildos like we did before all of this happened." Grantham said that on Oct. 20, a 14-inch, red-white-and-blue "Star Spangled Rammer" dildo will go on sale at sex shops across the nation, with proceeds benefiting relief efforts.

Returning To Abnormal

When I began writing this column seven years ago, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I'd have to address anything like the events of Sept. 11, 2001. What happened is unimaginable and unthinkable. We're all going through a really hard time right now, and I'm sure each one of us has considered our future. Will times get even harder? What is my place in all of this? How much control over our lives do we really have? All of these are important questions.

Chemical And Biological Weapons

Many Americans fear that terrorists may one day strike the U.S. with chemical and biological weapons. What do you think about the prospect?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Spring

Husband, Wife Have Conflicting Ideas About What Constitutes Healthy Sex Life

KNOXVILLE, TN—Craig and Lisa Livorno, Knoxville residents who have been married for nine years, possess different ideas about what constitutes a healthy sex life.

Lisa and Craig Livorno.

"After almost 10 years together, we still make time for romance," said Lisa, who often equates cuddling and kissing with sex. "Barely a day goes by when we don't get a little intimate."

"My parents were so cold and stiff," Lisa continued. "Their sex life was practically nonexistent. Craig and I are the exact opposite. It's always, 'I love you, honey... Give me a goodbye kiss!'"

While Craig enjoys hugging Lisa and telling her that he loves her, he equates a healthy sex life with frequent sexual intercourse. The couple, on average, has sex once a week, which is not enough for Craig.

"Lisa and I are both to blame," said Craig, who is under the mistaken impression that his wife would also like to have sex more often. "You get caught up in your life and, before you know it, you can't even remember the last time you had sex. We both need to make more time."

Lisa and Craig agree that they should be more adventurous in the bedroom. Each, however, assumes that the other defines "adventure" the same way.

"I'd love to push things a little further, like experiment with leather restraints and maybe even try some anal sex," Craig said. "I'd definitely be into that."

Lisa is also eager to push the envelope, having recently read a Cosmopolitan article titled "25 Sizzling Sex Tips To Keep Your Husband Begging For More" that suggests candles, silk sheets, and flavored condoms.

"It says, 'A woman should not be afraid to wear sexy lingerie, talk dirty sometimes, or give her man a full body massage,'" said Lisa, reading aloud from the article while giggling nervously. "Some of the suggestions are a little out there, but a lot of it is very—how shall I say it?—intriguing."

Lisa said she believes that openness and honesty are crucial to enjoying a healthy sex life.

"So many other couples are afraid to talk about sex, but not us," Lisa said. "For example, I can say, 'George Clooney is so hot!' and Craig is totally fine with it."

In the spirit of kinkiness, Lisa said she encourages Craig to tell her his wildest fantasies and vice versa.

"I love it when Craig tells me about the crazy stuff he'd like to do," Lisa said. "It really turns me on. Once, he called me from work and said, 'I'd love for you to come by my office on your lunch break so we can do it on my desk.' I thought that was so sexy of him to say that! He loves telling me forbidden stuff like that—things we'd never actually do."

Craig, on the other hand, would like to act on some of his fantasies, a desire he erroneously assumed was implicit in telling Lisa about them.

"It would be cool, if the circumstances were right, to get together with another couple," Craig recently told Lisa. "Since we're so happy and secure, I thought a little 'swinging' might be good for us." Oblivious to her husband's seriousness, Lisa replied, "Ooh, that would be so wild! Can you imagine?"

"Sometimes, I think about renting a dirty movie," Lisa said. "You know, like an actual porno. I'm sure Craig has those kinds of filthy thoughts, too. We both like to do new things. It's what keeps a marriage interesting."

Like his wife, Craig is interested in renting pornography. Unlike his wife, however, he is also interested in videotaping themselves having sex; having Lisa "forget" to wear underwear under her skirt when they go out to dinner; penetrating Lisa doggy-style while she wears a French-maid outfit; receiving fellatio from her in an alley; having intercourse in a restaurant, movie theater, or public library; watching Lisa secretly seduce a male stranger in a bar and invite him back to a hotel room on the condition that her husband can watch; and inviting Allison, the couple's sexy 23-year-old neighbor, over for coffee, only to find out that she works as a stripper and would like to have some feedback on her act and could use a little help from Lisa getting her bra undone.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More