BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday.
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Excitement surrounding the return of quarterback Tom Brady devolved into mute panic Thursday as each of Brady’s first 10 passes barely made it to the line of scrimmage. "Oh, God," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, breaking the silence that fell across the assembled players, coaches, and legions of fans who had just witnessed Brady’s ninth pass flutter slowly from his limp hand and land between his own feet. "Who’s our backup? Does anyone know who our backup is?" When asked for comment, wide receiver Randy Moss said he doesn’t care how poorly Brady throws the ball as long at it rolls in his direction.