CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.
NEW YORK—Witnesses reported that a tense, grim silence fell over the cafeteria of the Metropolitan Correctional Center Monday as inmate No. 61727-054, Bernard Madoff, repeatedly stabbed a sharpened toothbrush into the jugular vein of his cellmate, Donald Orlando. Facing a life sentence for securities fraud, Madoff, 70, was reportedly restrained by six guards after he nearly decapitated Orlando with a series of vicious, powerful jabs to his throat. "That guy's loco, man," fellow prisoner Luis "Viper" Ortiz said. "Donnie should never have disrespected him. Everyone in here knows you don't cross Mad Dog." Officials would not confirm whether Madoff was responsible for a brutal incident last week in which an inmate was forced to bite down on a shower faucet and then repeatedly kicked in the back of the head.