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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Hussein Court Shocked By Ironclad Alibi

BAGHDAD—Defense attorneys for Saddam Hussein claimed Monday the former dictator could not have signed a 1984 order to kill 148 Shiites because he was visiting friends in Missouri at the time. Iraqi Special Tribunal Judge Rauf Rashid Abd al-Rahman said the state "has no case" against Hussein after viewing security-camera footage of the 69-year-old buying cigarettes and candy at a St. Louis-area 7-Eleven. "The date is clearly visible in the lower-left corner, and he's purchasing what is known to be his favorite flavor of beef jerky." The prosecution was also stung last month by evidence that the 1988 gas attack on Kurdish civilians coincided with Hussein's two-week Jeopardy! appearance.

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