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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Hussein Judge Hoping For Fair, Speedy Assassination

BAGHDAD—Rauf Abdel Rahman, the chief judge in the ongoing trial of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, told Arabic news channel al-Jazeera on Monday that he is hoping for a "quick and even-handed" murder at the hands of Hussein loyalists. "After all I've been through, I think I deserve to be dispensed with swiftly and painlessly," said Abdel Rahman, who has voiced frustration in the past with the pace of the preliminary portion of his assassination. "I don't want to drag on forever behind a pickup truck, or fade away in an endless round of appeals to my captors as I bleed out in chambers." Assassins announced that Rahman's shooting, stabbing, or poisoning, already delayed twice on appeal, is scheduled for July 7.

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