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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convinced that his patient Kevin Meadows has stage II leukemia. “This guy was completely neurotic. He just kept going on and on about how gravely sick I was, claiming my immune system was growing weaker every second and connecting every little symptom I’ve been experiencing over the past months to cancer,” said Meadows, who attested that the deeply paranoid, overly health-conscious man even went so far as to demand a battery of complicated biopsies and blood tests right then and there. “He was practically freaking out for a while. I mean, this nut got himself so worked up that he began insisting the cancer was going to spread all over my body, and then started listing off a whole variety of treatments he felt I needed to receive immediately. Man, he needs to get a grip.” Meadows added that the raving hypochondriac babbled something about Meadows only having 12 months to live, but mentioned that he had totally tuned him out by that point.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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