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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convinced that his patient Kevin Meadows has stage II leukemia. “This guy was completely neurotic. He just kept going on and on about how gravely sick I was, claiming my immune system was growing weaker every second and connecting every little symptom I’ve been experiencing over the past months to cancer,” said Meadows, who attested that the deeply paranoid, overly health-conscious man even went so far as to demand a battery of complicated biopsies and blood tests right then and there. “He was practically freaking out for a while. I mean, this nut got himself so worked up that he began insisting the cancer was going to spread all over my body, and then started listing off a whole variety of treatments he felt I needed to receive immediately. Man, he needs to get a grip.” Meadows added that the raving hypochondriac babbled something about Meadows only having 12 months to live, but mentioned that he had totally tuned him out by that point.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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