Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

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Vol 50 Issue 11

Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convinced that his patient Kevin Meadows has stage II leukemia. “This guy was completely neurotic. He just kept going on and on about how gravely sick I was, claiming my immune system was growing weaker every second and connecting every little symptom I’ve been experiencing over the past months to cancer,” said Meadows, who attested that the deeply paranoid, overly health-conscious man even went so far as to demand a battery of complicated biopsies and blood tests right then and there. “He was practically freaking out for a while. I mean, this nut got himself so worked up that he began insisting the cancer was going to spread all over my body, and then started listing off a whole variety of treatments he felt I needed to receive immediately. Man, he needs to get a grip.” Meadows added that the raving hypochondriac babbled something about Meadows only having 12 months to live, but mentioned that he had totally tuned him out by that point.

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