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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer

BRIDGEPORT, CT—During a regularly scheduled appointment at St. Vincent’s Medical Center this afternoon, sources confirmed that after glancing at medical data for only a few moments, local hypochondriac Stephen Parsons became obsessively convinced that his patient Kevin Meadows has stage II leukemia. “This guy was completely neurotic. He just kept going on and on about how gravely sick I was, claiming my immune system was growing weaker every second and connecting every little symptom I’ve been experiencing over the past months to cancer,” said Meadows, who attested that the deeply paranoid, overly health-conscious man even went so far as to demand a battery of complicated biopsies and blood tests right then and there. “He was practically freaking out for a while. I mean, this nut got himself so worked up that he began insisting the cancer was going to spread all over my body, and then started listing off a whole variety of treatments he felt I needed to receive immediately. Man, he needs to get a grip.” Meadows added that the raving hypochondriac babbled something about Meadows only having 12 months to live, but mentioned that he had totally tuned him out by that point.

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