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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say

SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended in a state of unknowable probability flux between life and death Tuesday, after being placed in a box during a "thought experiment" in a Syracuse University lecture. Approx-imately 15 Physics 252 undergraduates blinked uncomprehendingly at high-energy physicist and instructor Chad Parks, 41, as he explained that the box contained a radioactive atom which may or may not decay, releasing an alpha particle which, if detected by a geiger-counter, may or may not trigger a hammer, shattering a flask of deadly prussic acid. The cat, originally postulated by wave-particle duality theorist Erwin Schroedinger in 1935, is expected to remain in this paradoxical superposition of decayed and undecayed states until an observer opens the box, collapsing the animal’s wave function.

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