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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man

WASHINGTON—The Federal Highway Administration announced Tuesday that it will construct an additional lane along Interstate 90 to accommodate drivers traveling across the country in order to stop the woman they love from marrying the wrong man. “We want to ensure that any motorist who finds himself frantically racing along I-90 to stop a wedding at the last minute will have access to a restricted, high-speed lane to prevent his soulmate from making the biggest mistake of her life,” FHWA administrator Victor Mendez said of the new express lane, which reportedly will run the entire length of the highway, from Boston to Seattle, allowing drivers to make an impassioned, last-ditch attempt to declare their feelings to the love of their life and make sure she doesn’t end up with someone who couldn’t possibly care for her as deeply as they do. “Once construction is completed, motorists will be able to scramble into their vehicles, peel out of their driveways, and speed down I-90 unimpeded in hopes that there’s still time. We also plan to construct a number of wayside areas along the shoulder of each exit ramp that, if needed, will allow motorists to ditch their broken-down cars and make their way to the wedding venue on foot.” According to sources, the new highway lane follows a decision by the Federal Aviation Administration last month to relax safety restrictions at all U.S. airports in order to allow individuals to bypass security and run straight to their beloved’s departure gate moments before she boards an international flight.

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