adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man

WASHINGTON—The Federal Highway Administration announced Tuesday that it will construct an additional lane along Interstate 90 to accommodate drivers traveling across the country in order to stop the woman they love from marrying the wrong man. “We want to ensure that any motorist who finds himself frantically racing along I-90 to stop a wedding at the last minute will have access to a restricted, high-speed lane to prevent his soulmate from making the biggest mistake of her life,” FHWA administrator Victor Mendez said of the new express lane, which reportedly will run the entire length of the highway, from Boston to Seattle, allowing drivers to make an impassioned, last-ditch attempt to declare their feelings to the love of their life and make sure she doesn’t end up with someone who couldn’t possibly care for her as deeply as they do. “Once construction is completed, motorists will be able to scramble into their vehicles, peel out of their driveways, and speed down I-90 unimpeded in hopes that there’s still time. We also plan to construct a number of wayside areas along the shoulder of each exit ramp that, if needed, will allow motorists to ditch their broken-down cars and make their way to the wedding venue on foot.” According to sources, the new highway lane follows a decision by the Federal Aviation Administration last month to relax safety restrictions at all U.S. airports in order to allow individuals to bypass security and run straight to their beloved’s departure gate moments before she boards an international flight.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close