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I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man

WASHINGTON—The Federal Highway Administration announced Tuesday that it will construct an additional lane along Interstate 90 to accommodate drivers traveling across the country in order to stop the woman they love from marrying the wrong man. “We want to ensure that any motorist who finds himself frantically racing along I-90 to stop a wedding at the last minute will have access to a restricted, high-speed lane to prevent his soulmate from making the biggest mistake of her life,” FHWA administrator Victor Mendez said of the new express lane, which reportedly will run the entire length of the highway, from Boston to Seattle, allowing drivers to make an impassioned, last-ditch attempt to declare their feelings to the love of their life and make sure she doesn’t end up with someone who couldn’t possibly care for her as deeply as they do. “Once construction is completed, motorists will be able to scramble into their vehicles, peel out of their driveways, and speed down I-90 unimpeded in hopes that there’s still time. We also plan to construct a number of wayside areas along the shoulder of each exit ramp that, if needed, will allow motorists to ditch their broken-down cars and make their way to the wedding venue on foot.” According to sources, the new highway lane follows a decision by the Federal Aviation Administration last month to relax safety restrictions at all U.S. airports in order to allow individuals to bypass security and run straight to their beloved’s departure gate moments before she boards an international flight.

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