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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man

WASHINGTON—The Federal Highway Administration announced Tuesday that it will construct an additional lane along Interstate 90 to accommodate drivers traveling across the country in order to stop the woman they love from marrying the wrong man. “We want to ensure that any motorist who finds himself frantically racing along I-90 to stop a wedding at the last minute will have access to a restricted, high-speed lane to prevent his soulmate from making the biggest mistake of her life,” FHWA administrator Victor Mendez said of the new express lane, which reportedly will run the entire length of the highway, from Boston to Seattle, allowing drivers to make an impassioned, last-ditch attempt to declare their feelings to the love of their life and make sure she doesn’t end up with someone who couldn’t possibly care for her as deeply as they do. “Once construction is completed, motorists will be able to scramble into their vehicles, peel out of their driveways, and speed down I-90 unimpeded in hopes that there’s still time. We also plan to construct a number of wayside areas along the shoulder of each exit ramp that, if needed, will allow motorists to ditch their broken-down cars and make their way to the wedding venue on foot.” According to sources, the new highway lane follows a decision by the Federal Aviation Administration last month to relax safety restrictions at all U.S. airports in order to allow individuals to bypass security and run straight to their beloved’s departure gate moments before she boards an international flight.

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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