'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says

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Vol 48 Issue 48

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed. Citing numerous let...

Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges

In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 million separate charges of manslaughter, sources confirmed.

Reports Of Movie Being Good Reach Area Man

CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good.

Nick Moyer

In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
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'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says

The pitiful man.
The pitiful man.

SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.”

The pitiful man, who works in development and design at the Seattle-based software company Woot, told reporters he takes time out of every day to “promote and further [his] brand” and to extend his “social and online presence.”

“I am my own product,” the little worm said while staring at a laptop and depressingly shuffling between his Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google Plus, and Tumblr accounts, which he claimed are “essential tools for growing [his] personal brand” on a daily basis. “I think of myself as the creator, developer, and marketer of Brand Phillip Cathin. And the ideas I come up with are products produced by that brand.”

“It’s sort of like I’m the CEO of the company called ‘Me,’” continued the sad excuse for a man, briefly pausing to check for any comments on his latest Tumblr post about the future of social media. “And right now, I’m defining my company’s story, style, and strengths so that people can see what I’m about and what I have to offer.”

Cathin, who sees his worthless daily blog posts, endless Facebook status updates, and aggravating Foursquare check-ins as “extensions of his brand name,” confirmed that he spends the majority of his miserable days attempting to leverage his 627 Twitter followers into a larger web network of “brand consumers.”

The unbelievably tragic man also stated that everything he does, from social interactions to visits with his family, essentially serves to continue building his brand.

“It’s all about getting people to hear my voice, and having them recognize that voice as a valuable commodity,” said Cathin, heartbreakingly noting that his work experience, family background, and education made his perspective “unique.” “Ultimately, I think I can get people talking about me and seeing the many elements of who I am. That’s the only way my product can be seen by everyone.”

“The way I see it, your personal brand is an investment,” the hopeless man added. “And I’m definitely planning on making the most out of that investment.”

The poor soul then began talking about “the innumerable challenges of keeping [his] brand fresh” as helpless reporters could take no more and walked away.

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