adBlockCheck

I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television

On Tuesday night, SportsDome is going to go to the OSNY Awards to have a pre-show on the red carpet there. Normally I go to the OSNYs, because the OSNYs is the best sports awards show on the planet, where all the best celebrities and athletes show up to have a huge sports party. And I get to hang out with all the stars and the athletes and every year I give my phone number to Eliza Dushku and hope that this is the year that she calls it. I have gone every year since I got a job at OSN and always get trashed and it is great.

This year, though, I am not going to the show. One of the SportsDome producers told me that I am not going to be allowed to co-host the OSNYs pre-show like I do every year with Marky because of "unspecified behavioral issues." Instead I am going to host the SportsDome in the studio with Melissa Wells. I asked for evidence of the behavior issues and she gave me a huge binder which looks big but is mostly filler and most of the incidents I had good reasons for doing what I did anyway.

At first I was furious and I swore a lot, but now I am actually glad that I have the privilege of watching the OSNY Awards from the SportsDome studio instead of hanging out with celebrities, and I'm not just saying that because they told me I had to and threatened me with further probation if I did not write this blog post, although that did happen. The show is better to watch on TV, because it is a TV show, and sometimes cameras are better than I am at catching nip slips, and they never replay those after they happen.

I thought when I told Shep I wouldn't be doing the show with him he'd get mad and demand we both get to do it or else he'd quit, but instead he just said he was really pumped because some goofy soccer player he likes is going to be there. He's going to host the pre-show with Reggie Greengrass now. I was annoyed at Reggie because he is my wingman when we go to bars or strip clubs, but he sold me out too, but that's ok. And they said I'll still talk to them on satellite during the pre-show so I can still see them and the celebrities, I just won't be able to talk to them or touch them like I usually do.

So it's good what happened, although I've already told them if I'm not allowed to go next year I'll threaten to kill myself or take someone hostage. But anyway it doesn't matter, because I'm throwing an awesome post-show party at a nightclub and only I can say who's invited to come. It's going to be so good everyone who isn't there is going to say "I wish I hadn't gone to this weak-ass OSNYs and I had gone to AR's post-show party instead, as I should have known to do, because Reiser is the King." Print out this flyer and if you bring it and are an attractive woman I've instructed the bouncers to let you in.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close