Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television

On Tuesday night, SportsDome is going to go to the OSNY Awards to have a pre-show on the red carpet there. Normally I go to the OSNYs, because the OSNYs is the best sports awards show on the planet, where all the best celebrities and athletes show up to have a huge sports party. And I get to hang out with all the stars and the athletes and every year I give my phone number to Eliza Dushku and hope that this is the year that she calls it. I have gone every year since I got a job at OSN and always get trashed and it is great.

This year, though, I am not going to the show. One of the SportsDome producers told me that I am not going to be allowed to co-host the OSNYs pre-show like I do every year with Marky because of "unspecified behavioral issues." Instead I am going to host the SportsDome in the studio with Melissa Wells. I asked for evidence of the behavior issues and she gave me a huge binder which looks big but is mostly filler and most of the incidents I had good reasons for doing what I did anyway.

At first I was furious and I swore a lot, but now I am actually glad that I have the privilege of watching the OSNY Awards from the SportsDome studio instead of hanging out with celebrities, and I'm not just saying that because they told me I had to and threatened me with further probation if I did not write this blog post, although that did happen. The show is better to watch on TV, because it is a TV show, and sometimes cameras are better than I am at catching nip slips, and they never replay those after they happen.

I thought when I told Shep I wouldn't be doing the show with him he'd get mad and demand we both get to do it or else he'd quit, but instead he just said he was really pumped because some goofy soccer player he likes is going to be there. He's going to host the pre-show with Reggie Greengrass now. I was annoyed at Reggie because he is my wingman when we go to bars or strip clubs, but he sold me out too, but that's ok. And they said I'll still talk to them on satellite during the pre-show so I can still see them and the celebrities, I just won't be able to talk to them or touch them like I usually do.

So it's good what happened, although I've already told them if I'm not allowed to go next year I'll threaten to kill myself or take someone hostage. But anyway it doesn't matter, because I'm throwing an awesome post-show party at a nightclub and only I can say who's invited to come. It's going to be so good everyone who isn't there is going to say "I wish I hadn't gone to this weak-ass OSNYs and I had gone to AR's post-show party instead, as I should have known to do, because Reiser is the King." Print out this flyer and if you bring it and are an attractive woman I've instructed the bouncers to let you in.


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