MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

I Am Glad I'm Only Allowed To Watch The OSNY Awards On Television

On Tuesday night, SportsDome is going to go to the OSNY Awards to have a pre-show on the red carpet there. Normally I go to the OSNYs, because the OSNYs is the best sports awards show on the planet, where all the best celebrities and athletes show up to have a huge sports party. And I get to hang out with all the stars and the athletes and every year I give my phone number to Eliza Dushku and hope that this is the year that she calls it. I have gone every year since I got a job at OSN and always get trashed and it is great.

This year, though, I am not going to the show. One of the SportsDome producers told me that I am not going to be allowed to co-host the OSNYs pre-show like I do every year with Marky because of "unspecified behavioral issues." Instead I am going to host the SportsDome in the studio with Melissa Wells. I asked for evidence of the behavior issues and she gave me a huge binder which looks big but is mostly filler and most of the incidents I had good reasons for doing what I did anyway.

At first I was furious and I swore a lot, but now I am actually glad that I have the privilege of watching the OSNY Awards from the SportsDome studio instead of hanging out with celebrities, and I'm not just saying that because they told me I had to and threatened me with further probation if I did not write this blog post, although that did happen. The show is better to watch on TV, because it is a TV show, and sometimes cameras are better than I am at catching nip slips, and they never replay those after they happen.

I thought when I told Shep I wouldn't be doing the show with him he'd get mad and demand we both get to do it or else he'd quit, but instead he just said he was really pumped because some goofy soccer player he likes is going to be there. He's going to host the pre-show with Reggie Greengrass now. I was annoyed at Reggie because he is my wingman when we go to bars or strip clubs, but he sold me out too, but that's ok. And they said I'll still talk to them on satellite during the pre-show so I can still see them and the celebrities, I just won't be able to talk to them or touch them like I usually do.

So it's good what happened, although I've already told them if I'm not allowed to go next year I'll threaten to kill myself or take someone hostage. But anyway it doesn't matter, because I'm throwing an awesome post-show party at a nightclub and only I can say who's invited to come. It's going to be so good everyone who isn't there is going to say "I wish I hadn't gone to this weak-ass OSNYs and I had gone to AR's post-show party instead, as I should have known to do, because Reiser is the King." Print out this flyer and if you bring it and are an attractive woman I've instructed the bouncers to let you in.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.