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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘I Can’t Do This Again,’ Shaking, Sweating Donald Trump Says After Nervously Vomiting Before Rally

CHARLESTON, SC—Doubled over a garbage can backstage at a local auditorium, a trembling, heavily perspiring Donald Trump reportedly shook his head back and forth and muttered in between bouts of nervous vomiting Friday that there was no way he could go out on stage for a campaign rally. “Don’t make me go up there and talk in front of all those people, please—I can’t do it, I just can’t,” said the Republican presidential frontrunner, beads of cold sweat matting his hair to his wan brow, and loudly dry heaving as aides handed him a glass of water and attempted to calm his nerves by pointing out that he had done this plenty of times before and assuring him that people really enjoyed his speeches. “I can’t handle it—not again. There’s too many people, and they’re all looking at me. It’s too much pressure. What if I mess up? Oh, God, I can hear them chanting now. No, no, no.” At press time, aides had grabbed Trump by the shirtsleeves and were dragging the struggling, whimpering candidate toward the stage as “We’re Not Gonna Take It” played over the loudspeakers.

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