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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown

ASHEVILLE, NC—While suffering an unexpected nervous breakdown Thursday morning, local woman Alyssa Mullen reportedly admitted to her 5-year-old son that she “just doesn’t know who [she is] anymore, little buddy.” “I’m trying my best to remember what the point of all this is, kiddo, but I’m really having a hard time of it,” Mullen told her son Jacob, moments after watching a mug of coffee slip out of her hands and shatter on the kitchen floor. “Buddy, every day I wake up and I see the sun slipping through the blinds, and I just feel sick, sick, sick, sick. It’s like I’m drowning and no one can see me! You know what I mean, little man?” At press time, Mullen was clutching her son to her chest and repeating the phrase, “It’s okay, bud.”

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