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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown

ASHEVILLE, NC—While suffering an unexpected nervous breakdown Thursday morning, local woman Alyssa Mullen reportedly admitted to her 5-year-old son that she “just doesn’t know who [she is] anymore, little buddy.” “I’m trying my best to remember what the point of all this is, kiddo, but I’m really having a hard time of it,” Mullen told her son Jacob, moments after watching a mug of coffee slip out of her hands and shatter on the kitchen floor. “Buddy, every day I wake up and I see the sun slipping through the blinds, and I just feel sick, sick, sick, sick. It’s like I’m drowning and no one can see me! You know what I mean, little man?” At press time, Mullen was clutching her son to her chest and repeating the phrase, “It’s okay, bud.”

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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