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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown

ASHEVILLE, NC—While suffering an unexpected nervous breakdown Thursday morning, local woman Alyssa Mullen reportedly admitted to her 5-year-old son that she “just doesn’t know who [she is] anymore, little buddy.” “I’m trying my best to remember what the point of all this is, kiddo, but I’m really having a hard time of it,” Mullen told her son Jacob, moments after watching a mug of coffee slip out of her hands and shatter on the kitchen floor. “Buddy, every day I wake up and I see the sun slipping through the blinds, and I just feel sick, sick, sick, sick. It’s like I’m drowning and no one can see me! You know what I mean, little man?” At press time, Mullen was clutching her son to her chest and repeating the phrase, “It’s okay, bud.”

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