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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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'I Feel Your Pain,' Romney Tells Campaign Rally Attendees Who Make $20 Million A Year

INDIAN HILL, OH—As he continues to tout his plan to fix the economy and “make things right,” presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered a heartfelt address to wealthy rally attendees Monday, telling those who make more than $20 million per year that he “feels [their] pain” and can relate to their struggles.

“Look, I’m out there fighting for you every day, because I know what it’s like to grow up with everything, spend your whole life in the same socioeconomic class, and struggle constantly to find new ways to keep your obscene wealth out of the hands of tax collectors,” the former Bain Capital CEO said in the emotionally charged speech, adding that he was “not just reading some talking points” about being in the top 0.01 percent of earners, but had been there “many times” himself. “Ann and I, we too come from wealth. We know what it’s like to come home at Christmastime with an annual bonus of 10 or 15 million dollars and then have the federal government say, ‘Wait a minute, buddy, we’re going to need 13, maybe 14 percent of that.’ And all of a sudden, that 15 million bonus becomes 13 million. We believe no American family should ever have to go through that.”

Romney added that if it weren’t for the Bush-era tax cuts that lowered taxes for thousands of wealthy families, “God only knows” where he might have ended up.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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