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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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'I Feel Your Pain,' Romney Tells Campaign Rally Attendees Who Make $20 Million A Year

INDIAN HILL, OH—As he continues to tout his plan to fix the economy and “make things right,” presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered a heartfelt address to wealthy rally attendees Monday, telling those who make more than $20 million per year that he “feels [their] pain” and can relate to their struggles.

“Look, I’m out there fighting for you every day, because I know what it’s like to grow up with everything, spend your whole life in the same socioeconomic class, and struggle constantly to find new ways to keep your obscene wealth out of the hands of tax collectors,” the former Bain Capital CEO said in the emotionally charged speech, adding that he was “not just reading some talking points” about being in the top 0.01 percent of earners, but had been there “many times” himself. “Ann and I, we too come from wealth. We know what it’s like to come home at Christmastime with an annual bonus of 10 or 15 million dollars and then have the federal government say, ‘Wait a minute, buddy, we’re going to need 13, maybe 14 percent of that.’ And all of a sudden, that 15 million bonus becomes 13 million. We believe no American family should ever have to go through that.”

Romney added that if it weren’t for the Bush-era tax cuts that lowered taxes for thousands of wealthy families, “God only knows” where he might have ended up.

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